Moving again... the positives and negatives of our time here.

I have never been a small town girl. Don't get me wrong I LOVE the country. I LOVE farms and animals. And I very much love the peacefulness of being away from busyness. However, living in a small town just isn't for me.

A little over a year ago I made the decision, with full support from my amazing husband, to move to this small (to us) town so I could be close to my parents and be near my mom as she came to the end of her earthly life. That choice will never ever be a regretted one. While we have had many negative experiences here, none of it will take away from the 5 months that I had with, caring for, and loving my sweet mama. The absolute hardest part of moving is leaving the last place I was able to physically love on her. I won't be able to walk into "her room" at their house anymore or sit in her rocking chair by the windows she loved to look out of. And it's so hard. 

I thought moving to a predominantly black community would be a positive experience for my mixed family. While there are many many kind people, we have unfortunately experienced many of the unkind variety around here. My boys have experienced racism that they hadn't known before. From not being black enough, to not being white enough, to being called a "burnt chicken nugget". We've had comments of "black and white don't mix" while at the store together. I've had a white person, knowing I'm married to a black man, refer to blacks as "monkeys". I've experienced racism towards myself while doing census work because I'm a white. I've been sexually harassed. I've had doors slammed in my face, stares, and countless hateful expressions just for being in a certain area. And yet, I'm thankful. I'm thankful I can experience just a smidgen of what so many non-white people experience daily. I'm thankful that I can say "I understand how that feels" to my husband and my boys. It isn't comparable to what many face but, to a degree, I can say I understand.

In our time here, my boys have changed, grown, and had hardships. I've questioned being a mother. I've questioned why God allowed these two boys to survive only to have my mental-butt trying to care for them. Not only that, but to pass on some of my mental-ness on to them. 

But, oh the growth we've had! My older son was diagnosed this year. (Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, and Pragmatic Language Disorder)  He was started on medication that has taken him from self harm and manicness to smiles and much slighter mood swings. He's been able to see me struggle while I had a medication change and know and see that he's not alone in the struggle. I can tell him until I'm blue in the face that I understand how he feels, but until he sees me in the same pit, he doesn't believe it. He's gone from being embarrassed that he has to take medicine to seeming to be okay with it. He's been able to reflect and see the difference in himself and in how he feels when he's not on it or forgets to take it. He's gone from being scared of water to learning to swim! And if you knew the struggles we've had with that boy with bathing and showing you would know how big of a deal this one is. Lol He's also went from being 4'9" to being 5' tall! But I don't want to talk about that (I'm only 6 inches taller). I'm so proud of his growth. I hate that it took my mom passing away for him to really lash out and me getting him help, but she would be proud. She would enjoy seeing the more level headed boy he is now than how he was before. I know she prayed so much for us and him specifically.

My younger one has his issues, but I believe his are learned behaviors from before my older son was stable. That doesn't mean it's easy though! I'm pretty certain that he has Oppositional Defiance Disorder, but he is not diagnosed. I started to get him in counseling but decided to wait until after the move. The trust that is needed during counseling, especially with children, is important. And I want him to have a solid foundation. He also learned to swim this year. He's gone from being a baby in pre-K when we moved here to now being a big first grader! He's great a reading (after a whole lot of work) and is able to comprehend what he reads. He's able to add and subtract, with the help of his fingers. He's also learned, thanks to other students, that there's different colors of people. And that mommy and daddy are different, and that people see him as different. It took a lot of talks and reassurances but he's all good with you now. And he's gone from 3'9" to 3'11". He can be such a sweet boy, but also unbelievably stubborn and defiant.

So, while it's been hard there have been some good in our time here and I'm going to try to focus on those instead of the unpleasant parts.

Good:

1. Time to love on my mom before she crossed over to Heaven.

2. Much needed mental health help for my son.

3. The amazing church family that helped love my mom on to glory. There are no words that will ever express my heartfelt gratitude for these amazing people. They loved my mom from the moment they met her and let her know she was home before she went Home. And I firmly believe that's exactly why God brought my parents here to begin with.

4. I almost forgot! I found my kitten while we were here. I hadn't even lived here a month when she came into my life.

While we may not understand God's plan or reasoning, we can remember that all things are meant to bring glory to Him. And through it all, I will still sing His praise. I will still share my experiences. And I will still love others despite how much it often hurts. 

I choose to love. I choose to let other know that they are not alone. I choose to be more. I choose to break down the stigma associated with mental health. The world would be so much happier and healthier if the stigma was gone. We cannot be afraid to fight for ourselves. We cannot be ashamed to say "I'm not okay" or "I need help". We need to normalize getting therapy, everyone needs to talk about what's going on inside! Everyone! 

 We are WORTH fighting for!

If you aren't feeling like yourself, or need mental health help, please don't hesitate. It's not an easy road, but it's definitely a road worth taking. 

If you do not need mental health help, be the help to someone else. Be a listening ear. Don't be condescending. Be supportive. Even if that just means going with someone to an appointment or sitting next to them in silence.

Remember, we are all in this world together. We either make it better or we don't.

You are worth fighting for.