Divinely Hooked

Death is a funny thing. We all know that it will happen to us some day, and yet it's still a surprise and sometimes it's a surprise with how it happens.  Here's some examples from my life: - I've miscarried 7 babies, they never even took a breathe. - My mom had a tumor growing in her brain for many years before we ever even knew it existed. It ultimately took her life after a difficult 3ish years. She was only 57 years old.  - My mother in law died suddenly 12 years ago from a massive brain aneurysm. She was only 49 years old.  - My maternal grandfather died in his late 70s from cancer when I was a kid.  - My maternal grandmother died from cancer about 10 years later. - My paternal grandmother died about 5-6 years ago after having Alzheimer's for roughly 10 years. She was in her 70s, I think. - My paternal grandfather died just a week or two ago after having years of health issues at the age of 81. - I had an uncle who was the most physically fit person I knew that ...

12/9/2020 (Technically tomorrow) It's hard to believe it's been a year since my mom has been gone. A year since I saw her face. A year since she drew breath. A year... A very long year. In a way I'm thankful she hasn't been around to see all the hatred and craziness going on, but I also wish she was still here to talk to. I know she would be heartbroken and fearful with the racial division going on. She loved my husband as her own and referred to him as "my son". She would be fearful with her grandsons growing up with it all going on. And with her cancer battle, it's not something I would want her to see or feel.  I'm very glad she's not having to deal with this pandemic. If she was still here I would not let anyone come anywhere near her. Which would make treatment a bit difficult. Lol I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss talking about things of the past. I miss laughing at how much we are alike. I miss talking to her about my depression struggl...

Quarantine has given me lots of time to think. We're doing school from home, therapy over video, and staying away from people as much as possible. And quite frankly it is no fun!  My boys do not like school at all. Neither of them can focus well and it's very taxing. I have to sit with each of them the whole time to make sure they get everything done. That alone takes up the full day! Plus you have to factory in lunch time, and the inevitable melt downs and tantrums. There is a bright spot in it all though, they are both doing better with their school work. Lol During this time of, I want to say quietness but it's not quite here lol, lock down I've been able to reflect a lot over this past year or so. My mom's birthday was last week, and that brought a lot of things to mind. But I've realized that I've purposefully not thought about what my mom went through and what I experienced with her in her final months. And now, I'm going to purposefully do that so...

With my boys and hubby in their beds sleeping, while I prepare food for Christmas, it's abnormally quiet. I usually don't like the silence, most of the time I have the tv on or music playing. But tonight as I sit here on this quiet Christmas Eve, I can't help but to think of my mom and how much she loved Christmas. Every time I pass our main road in this small town I think of her. The trees that line the street are lit up for Christmas with white vertical lights that look as if the stars are falling. Each time I pass I smile and then cry because she doesn't get to see them, but oh how she would love them. I giggle each year when I get out my Christmas tree, not because of the tree itself but because of the memory attached to it. My husband bought our tree 6 years ago. It was our first "big" tree. I was pregnant with our youngest and my parents had arrived with the expectation that he would arrive soon (spoiler: he didn't). We put the tree up, and I was exc...

When a loved one dies it's hard; but watching them slowly fade away is worse (in my opinion).  I've always known my mom as a fiercely strong woman that could be feeling the worst pain in the world and you wouldn't know because she would have a smile on her face and trying to help you with your needs.  Mom was my protector. She was my cheering partner during all of my brother's sports games. She was the one who constantly encouraged me to seek help for my depression even though she was reluctant to even talk about her own. She was always encouraging me to not lose my faith and always work on my relationship with God. And now... Now I see a worn out woman that is ready to go Home (Heaven). She has deteriorated quickly in the past week or so. She's forgotten my name, although thankfully she still knows my face. She's forgotten how to brush her teeth and how to use a fork and wash her hands. She no longer walks beside me. She's no longer able to walk at all. She...