Divinely Hooked

I'm a very crafty person.. Not the evil villain type of crafty but the artistic type of crafty. I love to create things and building stuff. I get excited when something says "assembly required". Lol I love scrolling through Pinterest on the DIY section! So many awesome ideas! But, because we are financially poor, I can't go out and buy supplies to build anything. Haha! We don't have the money or the space! If we did, oh my goodness.. It would be a mess! That's all. Today has been a good day (mostly). I should get up and ride my bike every morning! :)

Yesterday morning I planned to clean the house and get stuff organized because I had people coming over yesterday evening. As soon as I started to get things ready to clean my 2 year old started throwing a fit. Normally I get really irritated and just tell him to knock it off and keep doing what I had planned. But yesterday I didn't. I didn't get mad. I didn't yell. I didn't do what I would normally do. Yesterday I put on one of his favorite movies, sat down, and rocked him. He ended up going to sleep. Then while I was doing dishes he woke up very upset. Again, normally I would be really annoyed, but I sat with him and he calmed down. We sat in the chair together for a while and then he was up and ready to play. But I won yesterday. I won against my anger. I won against the way I usually react. These moments with my children are ones I will never get back. I really need to focus on that instead of the irritants that present themselves. It may be only on

I came up with the term "crazisode" today for what my breakdown thing was earlier. It kind of made me giggle. Don't get me wrong, I still feel angry, but I'm not the crying screaming mess I was before. To be honest, I usually don't remember what I have said during one of these rants. Unfortunately it's usually toward my husband. And who know's what mean things I said then. I do know that what I need and what I want from him is still the same, but saying it in a craze isn't going to do any good. One thing I thought of today was: How can people expect me to say good things about myself if they won't say them to me. Sometimes all we need is for people to speak highly of us when we can't think of ourselves in a good way at all. When we can't see any good in ourselves. Sometimes, when we can't say a nice thing about ourselves at all, we need others to step in. To help us get through this next wave of depression and all the mess that

I'm angry. Furious really. I'm crying. I'm screaming. And I'd like to crawl in a hole somewhere and take a very very long time out. I can only tell people what I need from them to help me through this craziness in my head/body so many times. When they choose not to be helpful I know that I am truly alone. I try my hardest to be a normal happy person, but some days it's just not happening. And today is one of those days. I feel alone. I feel battered and bruised. I feel like I'm crazy and that things will never get better. I push my husband away because I expect him to leave me and give up like everyone else has. I just want to be done. I want to laugh again. I want to laugh until my stomach hurts. I want to laugh until I'm crying. I want to feel carefree and joyous. Oh God, please set me free from this binding, release these chains that have ahold of me. God please give me peace!

This morning I woke up just angry as angry can be. I was feeling unwanted. Ignored. Undesirable. (The way my body is right now is a large contributing factor) My little one hit me hard in the head with my phone first thing and my older one was standing outside my door staring at me like a creeper. Not how I want to get up in the morning! lol When my hubby texted me good morning I told him I wasn't going to talk to him until I was in a better mood. Which is pretty good for me because I'm pretty quick with my words when I'm angry. But I did good and left things alone until I could chill out and give myself a talking to. When I took my older one to school I was still angry. I really hate how unkind I feel like I am to him. I really don't mean to be, but it just comes out that way. (I'm a work in progress) I had one of the Christian radio stations on and they were talking about Heaven and Hell. Not one of those strict things all about everyone is going to hell, it