Looking back after a crazisode.

I came up with the term "crazisode" today for what my breakdown thing was earlier. It kind of made me giggle.

Don't get me wrong, I still feel angry, but I'm not the crying screaming mess I was before.

To be honest, I usually don't remember what I have said during one of these rants. Unfortunately it's usually toward my husband. And who know's what mean things I said then.

I do know that what I need and what I want from him is still the same, but saying it in a craze isn't going to do any good.

One thing I thought of today was: How can people expect me to say good things about myself if they won't say them to me. Sometimes all we need is for people to speak highly of us when we can't think of ourselves in a good way at all. When we can't see any good in ourselves.
Sometimes, when we can't say a nice thing about ourselves at all, we need others to step in. To help us get through this next wave of depression and all the mess that goes with it.

And it does come in waves. It doesn't just go away because someone said it should. It doesn't get better just because you say you've chosen not to be depressed anymore.

I WISH it did! I would have been better by now if it worked that way.

I do miss laughing and being light hearted. I miss finding joy in little things. I miss hugs from my husband. I miss living without pain. I miss a lot of things.. And I don't know if I'll ever get those things back. Well I'll get hugs from my husband.. as long as I didn't royally piss him off this time lol. But I can't tell you when that will be. I don't have something to hang on to. Or to plan for.

The exciting planning I do is what I'll make for dinner. whoo! lol

On a happier note... my brother's girlfriend told me about a place near me that does medical help for people without insurance. It's based on a sliding income scale. Since we haven't had income in over a month I should be able to go and get help for free.
I'm thinking about going tomorrow to see about getting the application filled out and seeing what else I need to do to get seen.
I'm praying they will take me seriously, unlike most doctors I've been to, and not just brush me off because I'm "too young" to have hormone issues.
I hate needles and I'd be ok with going ever week for months just to have blood drawn so they can see what my hormones are doing!

I'm ready to be well.

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