Divinely Hooked

12/9/2020 (Technically tomorrow) It's hard to believe it's been a year since my mom has been gone. A year since I saw her face. A year since she drew breath. A year... A very long year. In a way I'm thankful she hasn't been around to see all the hatred and craziness going on, but I also wish she was still here to talk to. I know she would be heartbroken and fearful with the racial division going on. She loved my husband as her own and referred to him as "my son". She would be fearful with her grandsons growing up with it all going on. And with her cancer battle, it's not something I would want her to see or feel.  I'm very glad she's not having to deal with this pandemic. If she was still here I would not let anyone come anywhere near her. Which would make treatment a bit difficult. Lol I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss talking about things of the past. I miss laughing at how much we are alike. I miss talking to her about my depression struggl

     So often I feel like I have to keep a mask on at all times. A mask of being socially acceptable. By that I mean that I have to have my fake face on and be okay because I'm supposed to have my stuff together. I'm a Christ follower, I'm supposed to always have a smile, a sweet demeanor, and constant joy in the Lord. I'm not supposed to show how much physical pain I'm in, day in and day out. I'm not supposed to show how much having mentally unstable children drains me and sucks the joy of motherhood out of me. And don't I dare ever show when my depression is in full swing. Heaven forbid I show that I'm struggling.  Personally when it's been a rough day with my kids , or my own mental health, my body will physically rebel after they go to bed. I live with chronic pain 24/7, but you wouldn't know it. I live with a constant battle within myself 24/7, but you wouldn't know it. I feel the emotions of those around me 24/7, but you wouldn't kn

 As many of you know we decided to move back to Florida this month. The Tampa area was home for my husband and I before we were even husband and wife, and for many years after. We moved farther south to be closer to his daughter then up to South Carolina so I could be near my parents as my mom came to the end of her cancer battle.  When I was leaving my very last stop ever working with the census my suv got stuck in a massive hole. I was stuck for HOURS! I had walked barefoot to all the houses around me, but no one was home or no one could help. My tires were stuck deep and my undercarriage was stuck on sand/clay mixture. It was awful. Once we finally got out I was covered in sand and mud and we were still over an hour away from home. On my way home I realized that my car now needed an alignment. The next day I took my car in to the dealership I bought it from and had them do the alignment and I told them to check my brakes because I knew they would need to be cleaned out. Hours later,

I have never been a small town girl. Don't get me wrong I LOVE the country. I LOVE farms and animals. And I very much love the peacefulness of being away from busyness. However, living in a small town just isn't for me. A little over a year ago I made the decision, with full support from my amazing husband, to move to this small (to us) town so I could be close to my parents and be near my mom as she came to the end of her earthly life. That choice will never ever be a regretted one. While we have had many negative experiences here, none of it will take away from the 5 months that I had with, caring for, and loving my sweet mama. The absolute hardest part of moving is leaving the last place I was able to physically love on her. I won't be able to walk into "her room" at their house anymore or sit in her rocking chair by the windows she loved to look out of. And it's so hard.  I thought moving to a predominantly black community would be a positive experience fo

If you would rather listen/watch instead of read all this, here's the link to my YouTube video.  video I don't know about any of you, but I'm so tired of how this country is behaving! It is truly exhausting. I am a pretty blunt person and won't beat around the bush. I strive to choose my words carefully so I am not hurtful, but I will not make things that are difficult or nasty seem to be rosy.  I have grown so much over the years. I value good conversation. I value other opinions, so that I may reflect and gain knowledge. And sometimes learn that my opinion isn't accurate. That my stance is not the stance that Christ would want me to have. That my view is not always the one of love that Christ calls me to have. With all of the racial tension and unrest lately I've reflected a lot on how much my little family has faced over the years. As a young woman I was told, more than once, that I was racist against my own race because I found black men more attractive than

Well, I've change my medication again. As you go on this journey to wellness you have to weigh the benefits verses the side effects. Lately, the side effects of my medication were out weighing the benefits. I had a nurse practitioner that I haven't met before this time and I LOVED her! She not only listened to why I wanted to try something new, she wanted to know about other issues not related to my depression. She even gave me a muscle relaxer to see if it will help with my tmj which in turn helps with my headaches. I've only had to take it once and I've been able to tell a difference. If you are seeing a doctor or practitioner, of any kind, and you don't feel like it's helping; try a different person! It could make all the difference in the world! If you are in need of metal health help, please find it! It is so worth it! If you do not need the help for yourself, be the help and support for someone else. ❤️

I used up the last of the Nair I had bought to use on my mom. She hated being hairy. Probably because she had a lot of dark hair and was made for it when she was young. In high school she would wear long sleeves even in the heat because of her arm hair.  And tonight, just because I had it, I decided to use it. Funny how something stinky and messy can lead you back to special moments. I happen to have some of her clothing and put on one of her night gowns one night and giggled to myself (with a tear in my eye) because she loved that one and joked about wearing it as a dress. There's so many little things that remind me of her. Even in my own giggle and voice, I hear her. I was reflectig the other day of my time spent with her and I can't help but be grateful. Grateful that I could love her through to the end. Grateful that my husband and children were able to say goodbye the evening before she passed. Grateful that my older sister was able to be here during the last few days. I&

Recently in a conversation someone said that the abuse was "just" mental and "just verbal". There is no "just" when it comes to abuse. None. Physical abuse wounds heal and may leave scars, but mental and verbal abuse stays with you. Those words stick with you and play in your mind over and over and over. Even after you're away from the abuser, the things they said and did are still there. Abuse is abuse no matter the kind. Period.

Quarantine has given me lots of time to think. We're doing school from home, therapy over video, and staying away from people as much as possible. And quite frankly it is no fun!  My boys do not like school at all. Neither of them can focus well and it's very taxing. I have to sit with each of them the whole time to make sure they get everything done. That alone takes up the full day! Plus you have to factory in lunch time, and the inevitable melt downs and tantrums. There is a bright spot in it all though, they are both doing better with their school work. Lol During this time of, I want to say quietness but it's not quite here lol, lock down I've been able to reflect a lot over this past year or so. My mom's birthday was last week, and that brought a lot of things to mind. But I've realized that I've purposefully not thought about what my mom went through and what I experienced with her in her final months. And now, I'm going to purposefully do that so

I'm not sure I even have the energy at this point to write much about today, but I'll try. I'll start by saying that I have been medicated for a about 5 years now, my son has been medicated for about a month. He did not understand until about a week ago that the medicine was from the doctor. For some reason he thought it was just stuff I picked up from the store and was making him take, so he wasn't taking them consistently. This last week though he's been better with taking them and they have made a difference. All that to say that even on medicine, we still have bad days. We still have to work hard and fight for ourselves. The meds help, but they're not a magical potion. This morning my older son had a therapy appointment. He, of course, tells his therapist things that he doesn't tell me. She ends up calling me because he admitted to self harming. Long story short, keep sharp things away from him and watch him like a hawk when he's in a mood. He was no

I've been on mood stabilizer medication for a few years now (Thank the Lord!) and now my darker skinned mini-me is too. He was taking kids chewable Singulair and I found out from his regular doctor that it is common for that to cause suicidal tendencies. So I took him off of that, which has helped, and now he's on other medicine to balance his brain out. I'm hopeful that starting it early will train his brain to do what it's supposed to do so he won't have to be on medication for the rest of his life. But, if that's necessary for him to have balance, then that's ok!  I never want him to feel ashamed about it. Our brain's chemical make up isn't anything we can control.  I, now and always, will support him in his effort to be mentally healthy! It is so important! I'm proud that he wants to be balanced and doesn't see anything wrong with needing help with that. It's been a week so far, we just got up to dosage on his ADHD/depression medicati