Divinely Hooked

With my boys and hubby in their beds sleeping, while I prepare food for Christmas, it's abnormally quiet. I usually don't like the silence, most of the time I have the tv on or music playing. But tonight as I sit here on this quiet Christmas Eve, I can't help but to think of my mom and how much she loved Christmas. Every time I pass our main road in this small town I think of her. The trees that line the street are lit up for Christmas with white vertical lights that look as if the stars are falling. Each time I pass I smile and then cry because she doesn't get to see them, but oh how she would love them. I giggle each year when I get out my Christmas tree, not because of the tree itself but because of the memory attached to it. My husband bought our tree 6 years ago. It was our first "big" tree. I was pregnant with our youngest and my parents had arrived with the expectation that he would arrive soon (spoiler: he didn't). We put the tree up, and I was exc

When a loved one dies it's hard; but watching them slowly fade away is worse (in my opinion).  I've always known my mom as a fiercely strong woman that could be feeling the worst pain in the world and you wouldn't know because she would have a smile on her face and trying to help you with your needs.  Mom was my protector. She was my cheering partner during all of my brother's sports games. She was the one who constantly encouraged me to seek help for my depression even though she was reluctant to even talk about her own. She was always encouraging me to not lose my faith and always work on my relationship with God. And now... Now I see a worn out woman that is ready to go Home (Heaven). She has deteriorated quickly in the past week or so. She's forgotten my name, although thankfully she still knows my face. She's forgotten how to brush her teeth and how to use a fork and wash her hands. She no longer walks beside me. She's no longer able to walk at all. She

Y'all ever have those days when it's just over load? Of course you do, we all do! And you never know when that day is for others! I was going to record a video, but... 1)I look awful, 2) with everything going on I'm weepy and wouldn't get through the video, and 3) writing it I can make sure I'm making sense and getting what I want out how I want it. Update on my mom: She is still alive. She is steadily declining. She's in more and more pain. We had her pain medication increased today so it should be better. She sleeps most of the time. She is very weak and has fallen a few times. Recently she fell in her room (thankfully she landed on a box of supplies and sat there until she got her strength) but she said she was trying to call for me but she couldn't remember my name. Her voice is also weak so I wouldn't have been able to hear her. I put a bell on the table by her bed, I'm not sure if she will remember what it's there for though. I'd write

Do you ever have those moments where you feel or see when the hand of God is moving? Or do you see or feel things that you know are from God? I like to call those God winks. Totally unrelated: When I found out I was pregnant with my younger son I had a vision of God smiling and winking at me and saying not your plan my love, mine. Last week was an extremely difficult week. My older son has some mental health issues, which run in the family, and has really been struggling. Anytime he gets caught doing something that he is not supposed to be doing, he has a full-on manic episode. This includes wanting to self harm and talks of suicide and running away and everything that goes along with that. He is also only 10 years old. (When I was about his age I think that was when my mental health started to decline and I begin to notice my issues.) It was bad enough of a week that I looked into boarding schools and military schools for him. (Which are insanely expensive!) That's not something

I really hate racism. It's not something that is only aimed at non-white people. I am very much a white person and I have experienced racial tension and dislike for being me, being with and married to a black man, and for having children with this man. When my husband and I were first together we were visiting his mom and one of the older black men there did not appreciate that there was a white woman in his area. He started to yell at me and cuss at me and call me a "cracker" and all that goes with that. Luckily, I had a very outspoken and loving mother-in-law and she put that old man in his place. When I started working, when we first moved to Florida, people loved me and they loved to work with me, but when they found out that I was in a relationship with a black man their demeanor and attitudes to me changed. And I heard that they were saying how I could do better and I shouldn't be with someone like that. When I would go out with just my son often I would get d

https://youtu.be/VXCyDoJOjdU Today I'm not okay. And that's okay. We're allowed to have bad days. Even with medication, there's still going to be bad days. This week my mom was put on hospice care. If you're not familiar with what that is, it is end of life care. I helped her shower for the first time this week. I'm making sure she takes her medicine, holding her when she cries, and trying to help keep her house tidy. She such a sweet woman, I hate that she is going through what she's going through. Had she known at the beginning of it all, how she would feel now, she wouldn't have done any of it. I don't want her to die soon, but I also don't want her to be in pain. On top of watching my mother die, my 10 year old is at the point of a mental breakdown, and I'm at the end of my rope. He's so angry and so hateful that starting tonight I'll be sleeping with my door locked. He's been caught lying and stealing. Yesterday he decide

Normally on Sundays I pick up my mom for church and take her. Today though she is feeling awful from her chemo this week. So instead of going to church, I came over to her house and had a devotional and sang some worship songs. I didn't have a devotional planned, so I just googled for some. I ended up clicking on Proverbs 31 ministries and listened/read their devotional for today. It was just right for Mom and I today! So many times we have in our minds what we want in our lives and how we want them to happen. And we get so frustrated when God's answer to our prayers is 'no'. But He isn't saying no out of spite or to be hurtful; He's saying no out of love! Whatever is behind that door that we are banging on to open, isn't what is best for us and isn't His plan for us. It was so nice to spend one on one time with my mom in God's word and worshipping Him. The Bible says where two or more are gathered He is there. And today he was laying in that bed

Hey y'all!!! Life has been crazy lately!! Attached is a 10 minute video, I'll write some of it here too. https://youtu.be/ gl8vPCAA -yY We moved to South Carolina on July 1st. It was a crazy adventure. The trip itself wasn't bad. I did awesome driving the 20' uhaul with the car hauler on the back. It took about 12 hours, but over all it wasn't bad. Once we got here, that was a different story. The house I had rented was seriously nasty! Gaps in the doors and windows. Floors that were horribly uneven (+/- 4"). Extremely dirty. And there was animal poop all over. We literally stayed in that house less than 24 hours. Just staying there for the night me and my boys were sick. I was only able to sleep for an hour or two and was up at 6 reloading the uhaul. Thankfully I got my full refund. We're currently in a duplex. The only downside is it's a month to month, so I never know how long we'll be here. Happy thing: my kitten (watch the video for the

The blog below goes more in depth than the video. I was a little scatter brained when doing the video. 😊 https ://youtu.be/ gegEVVyGK1I I've had a rough week or so. Before I was on medication I fairly frequently would have what I refer to as "crazisodes". This, I now understand, were manic episodes. I haven't had any since I started my medication. I was close this weekend. It wasn't as horrible as it used to be, but it was very emotional and exhausting. It didn't help that I wasn't sleeping well (which is common) so it all accumulated and made things worse. However, I did not have the extreme anger like I used to. I didn't have the desire to hurt myself or hit or throw things. So it was still better than it used to be, but it was still hard. Another thing I've dealt with, with my depression, is severe lack of self worth. And that was another thing I was battling. It's so hard when I feel like I'll never be enough, I'll never be good

Hello all, I was going to do a video this week, but allergies have attacked and I don't have much of a voice. I'm trying to rest it as much as possible because I'm in Praise Team on Sunday. 🎵 I know I have been lacking in the posts and videos because of not being sure what to share. Lately though God has given me multiple things to share, so there will be multiple new posts coming up in the next weeks. Of course I have to do some research and stuff first, but I'm excited about what content is to come. A small update about me. If you've read my blogs before you know that I battle headaches constantly. I've had them almost daily since 2005, the most I didn't have them was during pregnancy. Recently, when my blood pressure has gone up, whether due to exercise or laughing the headache has gotten much worse. At one point I was laughing hard about something and had a sharp pain behind my left eye, like a vertical line, and I could feel the pulsing of my blood.

Today I am 33. I don't care about the number, I don't care about the birthday wishes or gifts or any of that. I do care that again this year I have become more mentally healthy. I've grown more and done more for myself this past year than I have probably ever. I've learned a lot about myself. Some things are good, some things need to be worked on. All that said, I'm so thankful I am where I am and I am who I am. I am an amazing creation by God. I am fully loved and fully forgiven. He continues to guide me and continues to help me in this journey of life. He has blessed me more than I can even put into words. I am so thankful for where I am and the journey He has walked me through. I'm thankful for the people he has brought into my life and the people he has removed. I look forward to continuing my healthy mind journey and sharing it so others may be encouraged and helped along the way. If you need help, don't wait! It's SO SO worth it! ❤️

This video is about the many kinds of depression and the different options for treatment. I'm not going to write it all down this time though because there is a ton of information. I will put my sources on here though, they're also in the description of the video. https://youtu.be/VAB7T8LE_PQt https://amp-timeinc-net.cdn.ampproject.org/v/amp.timeinc.net/health/depression/types-of-depression?amp_js_v=a2&amp_gsa=1&usqp=mq331AQCCAE%3D#referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s https://www.verywellmind.com/common-types-of-depression-1067313 https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.cyclothymia.html https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20356013 https://www.everydayhealth.com/depression-pictures/different-types-of-depression.aspx#situational-depression-when-life-gets-you-down

Good evening everyone! This video has an update with me and my medication. Also has an update on my mom. And then I shared a little bit from the devotional I read today. https://youtu.be/xMZtOu6TCSM Now, if you're like me you would rather read what the video has in it, so I will have that below. 😊 It's been a month since I started this new medication and I'm happy to say that things are going really well! I'm not having headaches as bad as I was. And I'm not as tired either. It's nice not to have to take a nap in order to function. I've also not had an other noticable side effects from this one either. So overall a huge thumbs up from me! It's so crazy how different medications work on different people. Things that work for me don't work for my sister and vice versa. Our bodies are so interesting! My mom had her first MRI today since having the gamma knife radiation. There is significantly swelling, but they can't tell if the tumor ha

Hey yall, I've been on my new medicine for about two weeks! So far all is well! I still have my headaches, but they're not migraine strength as often, which is a huge plus! I've not had any other side affects so far. So hopefully this continues and this will be the medication that I'm able to stick with. I had a dream that I interrupted church service because I felt God pushing me to do up and talk bc someone there was suicidal. I pray that if something like that ever happens that I have the boldness to follow God's direction and lead. There's more about it in my video, and more about what else is going on. Hope y'all are well and getting help if you need it! ttps://youtu.be/8XYm1qKAyBc

Hey yall! I hope you all are doing well. Funny story: I cut bangs for the first time in probably 15+years. My older son doesn't understand hair at all. Today he was with me and my bangs got blown back. When I got in the car he exclaimed, "Mom! Your bangs are gone!" 😂 He didn't understand that they were still attached. So I used my fingers and combed them back down and he was shocked. It was hilarious! Not only that, he couldn't figure out how to say the word "bangs" I had to tell him it was "bang" like a gun. Haha! It seriously cracked me up. I had a doctor's appointment today. Things went okay. I'm changing my medication. I'm hoping that it will be the right one. So far this is my fourth try with medicine. I'm extremely thankful for it because I feel like a new person since being on them, but it's hard to find the right levels. I heard a song twice this week that was a good reminder for me. It says "I need thee

Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin is one of my favorite songs ever! It has been my go to song for many years. This video is a walk through of the lyrics and how they have worked for me (through my depression battle) and what they mean to me. The verses I used in this video are: Isaiah 41:10 Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold onto you with my righteous right hand. 2 Timothy 1:7 God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, love, and self-control. We are powerful yall! Lol. I also give an update on my beautiful mama. Ignore my crazy hair lol! I should have looked in the mirror before I got started, but oh well. My video:  https://youtu.be/IH1eJV8NJS4 Kirk Franklin's Imagine Me lyric video:  https://youtu.be/yRA4vNs2r3c Don't forget... If you need help, get it! It is so worth it! And there as so many options you do not need to be afraid!

It's been a while since I posted or did a video. This is just a quick update about my beautiful mama and what's going on with me. https://youtu.be/9bAzhrtBEpU As always, if you need help don't wait! I waited WAY too long!