Divinely Hooked

I'm not sure I can accurately express in words how different I feel since beginning my medication. I can't even recall the last time I was actually angry! No more feeling like the Hulk. And... I actually like people!!! LOL I don't have to put on a happy face and pretend to like people and interacting with them.. I actually do enjoy it! My headaches are even better. I don't have them all the time! I do still have them sometimes, but not like it was before. Which really does make a huge difference. My one medication still makes me sleepy, but my other one helps with that. I've also started birth control to try to help with all the pain I have during the month. The doctor doesn't think it will help. She thinks that I have endometriosis that is causing all my issues. If the birth control doesn't help with the pain then she will go in through my belly button with a camera and look around to see what's going on in there. I've only been on the pil

Since becoming a mother I've really begun to think about and understand Mary, the mother of Jesus. Not only did she agree to become His mother while she was a virgin, a teenager, and pledged to be married to someone else; but she agreed to a very difficult and painful path our of love and obedience to her Lord. Thankfully her husband to be was also obedient to God's calling. I don't know about you, but me at 15 was not at all ready to be pregnant or married! And yet she was ready to take on this task because she chose to follow God's calling for her life. She was found to be worthy to carry God's son, can you imagine the honor she must have felt?! Honor and also terrified! If you have given birth fully naturally you know how painful it. Now imagine doing that while still being a virgin! YOUCH! I really hope that God had mercy on her and made it less painful! As a mom I think of her feeling Jesus moving around in her belly. Feeling His kicks and when He had th

So, I had my first follow up visit with my doctor and got all my blood work results... and everything is normal! I'm a bit perplexed by this though because I still don't have answers for my crazy bruising, taking a long time to heal, and my headaches. But! I'm doing great depression wise. The medicine I'm on had been a huge help! I seriously feel like a different person. The only down side is that my medicine makes me extremely tired and I have a hard time doing anything but snoozing on the couch all day. But I discussed it with my doctor and she is giving me another antidepressant that I can take in the mornings that will help with my energy level. She's allowing me to figure out the right dosages since they are both antidepressants. I'm going to be able to see how they affect me and if I decide I don't need such a strong dose I can cut the one I'm taking now in half. So, I'm looking forward to that and to having some energy. I also am set up fo

Today marks one week since I started taking an antidepressant! I cannot even being to tell you how much of a difference it is already making. The first 6 days I took half of a dose and was taking them in the morning. They were making me extremely tired and I was yawning constantly. I was also having worse dizzy spells and feeling sick to my stomach. So yesterday I was going to be taking my first full dose, so I took it in the evening instead of in the morning, and it made a huge difference!! I'm not tired, dizzy, or sick to my stomach! I feel as though my eyes have been made clear. Like this fog and dark cloud has been lifted and it feels glorious!! I'm finding that I'm enjoying the little stupid stuff my kids are doing. I'm not crying as easily. I'm not constantly angry. I do still have my headaches, which the doctor thought was maybe depression related, but I'm happy with the improvement in myself that has already taken place. I feel so much better. And

To go to get first doctor's appointment! And yup.. That chicken is me! Lol I finally had a much needed doctor's appointment. She had me get blood drawn for lots of tests. And also gave me a prescription for my depression. Starting tomorrow morning I begin my road of medicated life! She actually said a lot of my bodily pains and stuff can be related to my depression and the imbalances in my brain. So I hope and pray that that is true and things get much better once the meds get in my system. I do still need to go to the gyno, but she recommended someone that I will try to set up an appointment with. I hate going to the girly Dr, but it is very necessary. Don't worry I won't go into details. LOL Just wanted to tell the few of you that are interested in my health journey that I've come off the gravel path and hopefully beginning onto another roads. (Haha I like that analogy!) Have a good night all!

Many people are victims of domestic violence. Many do not have physical bruises, scars, or injuries. Domestic assault/violence is not just physical. It can be emotional and it can be verbal. Psychological scars are so very hard to heal. Sometimes survivors don't realize that they were being abused until after the fact. Abusers are good at turning things around and making it either seem like it is just you over reacting or over thinking or even that they were just joking around. I had a boyfriend many years ago that was a "it's just a joke" kind of abuser. I didn't even realize until recently how abusive he really was. He constantly belittled me.. But of course I was was the stupid one for getting hurt by his jokes. One time he even lit the front of my hair on fire, "on accident". After we had broken up we were still good friends and hung out and even played church league softball together. I had gotten there late and he had been hit in the head wit

When I had my children, I didn't know about the term "Rainbow Babies". I truly wish I had! I love it! I have two rainbow babies. Most of this blog I wrote a year ago, but it's so relevant and true. I actually teared up reading it. The definition of a rainbow baby is "a child born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss." I love that rainbows are how God reminded Noah of his promise to never flood the whole earth again. Rainbows are God's reminders of His promises to us. I feel as though my rainbow babies (my two sons) are my reminders that God is with me through all, no matter how painful and difficult. Before I got pregnant with my older son I miscarried twice. Between my two boys I miscarried four more times, the last was with a pair of twins. But if it weren't for God and His healing touch I wouldn't have either on of my boys. Before we got pregnant with our oldest we were going to a church, where we had a few clos

I tend to be a fairly blunt person. It's not out of meanness (most of the time lol) and it's not to be rude, it's just how I am. I don't like when people beat around the bush. I would rather have straight answers. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Now, something that contradicts that is that I'm an extremely emotional person too. So that means that sometimes I say things I don't mean and I say hurtful things that should not be said. James 3:1-12 is titled: "Taming the Tongue" coincidence?? I think not. lol In verse 8 it says that our tongues are restless evil, full of deadly poison... because our words carry so much weight to them! Talk about pressure! Verses 9-12 says that we can't be both praising the Lord and cursing our fellow men who were made in God's image. We can't be both loving and mean at the same time. We can't say that we are great Christians but turn around and spit hatefulness to those around us. Proverbs 18:2

If you are not familiar with the Bible Lazarus was one of Jesus' friends that died, was buried, and raise back to life. What's interesting is that Jesus was sad when Lazarus died, the shortest verse in the Bible is in this story. John 11:35 "Jesus wept." And He was heartbroken because His friend had died. Even though he knew that he could bring Lazarus back to life by just a simple thought or spoken word, he was still sad that the event took place. Lazarus had been dead for four days when Jesus when to his tomb. He told those with him to move the stone away from the door and even one of Lazarus' sisters (Martha) was like.. whoa wait a minute Lord he's been in there a while and he is going to STINK! But they moved the stone anyway. I picture the horrific/nasty looks on their faces when that stone was moved and they got a big whiff of decomposing body. haha I imagine the women taking their veils and covering their noses and mouths and the men using their clo

I'm an open book... open to the point that God allows me. I love to talk to people. I love to share my life and my experiences and help others any way I can. This is my purpose. My purpose is to share my ups and especially my downs to help others. To show others that they are not alone in their struggles. Not everything I've been through though has been released, by God, for me to share. Some parts would do more harm to share than good. And I never want to be a stumbling block to anyone. Ever! Sometimes, in a small setting, God allows me to share all, but He hasn't given me the green light to share everything full public yet. And that's okay. I am a continuous work in progress. Thankfully God is so very very patient with my stubborn butt. :) I couldn't and wouldn't have made it through life this far without God's never ending love and support. So, maybe someday my whole story will be shared, but until then there is PLENTY to share and lots of p

I try to not do hot topic posts until I feel God has released me to do so (which is also true of many experiences in my life that I will not share until God has told me it's time to). Within the last two days God has opened the doors to me to address this topic. Let me get a few things out of the way first: 1. This is not a gay bashing post and would never be! 2. If you comment with hatred on this post I will remove it. 3. God is the same God yesterday, today and forever and He is a God of Love. Warning: Long post ahead. :) The first instance of homosexuality is in Genesis 19 in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. A couple of angels appeared and Lot took them into his home. The men in the city surrounded his house and wanted these men (the angels) to come out so they could have sex with them. Lot refused and offered up his two virgin daughters, but they didn't want the women they wanted the men. The men tried to force their way into Lot's home and the angels blinded them

Did you see that title?? Yup, that's me. Although I never noticed I was judgmental, but have come to realize it despite me greatest efforts not to be. I have had a few people in my life tell me I was judgmental, but I never understood where they were coming from. I would ask them how I was being judgmental and they couldn't tell me. How was I going to fix it, if people couldn't tell me how I was doing it? It's okay though, People didn't need to tell me because God did. He showed me how what I thought and sometimes said was not of His love and was hurting others instead of healing or helping. I grew up in a home where if you were doing wrong or you were sinning you were called out on it openly and in front of others. So for me, to think differently of someone because of their choices was natural. It was normal for me to think that what I was raised to believe was the right way and there was no other way. If you didn't believe like me then you were a sinner an

One of my favorite songs is "Strong Enough" by Staci Orrico. It's such an amazing and such a true song! It's true no matter what issues you may face during your life. I think that everyone, no matter how strong your faith is, feels as though God isn't moving and isn't there taking care of things (for us). It's true in my life dealing with depression, but it can be true of people battling a number of different things; like addiction or cancer or whatever it is that is keeping you bound. This song starts out with wondering if people are going to be willing to help out or are they going to ignore me, or make fun of me. Are people going to think less of me because I struggle? Are they going to look at me differently because I claim Christ but also battle with depression and anger on a daily basis? (that's just about me, not in the song lol) The chorus questions... God aren't you strong enough? Aren't you pure enough? Can't you break me

I finally got through to the place where I had been told there was a Christian doctor who could prescribe meds and also did counseling. Had that information been correct it would have been great. Unfortunately. It wasn't completely accurate. The doctor is actually a nurse practitioner, and she works at a facility where they offer counseling and other medical services. So, I would have to pay the fee for seeing the practitioner and a separate fee for seeing one of the counselors. The fees were not expensive compared to normal prices, but for us it's not doable. And they don't do any insurance stuff. They can give you a paper to file with your insurance, but I'm not sure how that would work. But I still have another option. There's a female pastor in the next town over that does counseling and I still have to see a regular doctor, neither of which I've contacted yet. I was very upset earlier after I talked to the clinic on the phone. In that instant I felt som

Last night was a horrible night. I had another "Crazysode" and really muffed things up. But I think it was God's way of kicking me in the butt and telling me to get myself help. So last night I emailed the pastor at church that I know that does counseling. He emailed me back this morning to say that he does mostly marriage counseling and referred me to a Doctor here in town that does both counseling and medication. So I'll be calling her on Monday to see if I can get in to see her. It's also at a clinic type place that does cost per income, so that should help with the cost of things. I'm praying that this will work out and that my family will still be in tact by the time I get some healing. http://www.foreverymom.com/dear-mama-satan-is-doing-everything-he-can-to-keep-you-from-reading-this-letter/ This article really hit things on the head for me today. It's such a fight to keep satan and the demons in my head at bay. But healing will come!

I'm having a hard evening. I was trying hard to not bring up an issue with my hubby and wanted to wait until I could talk to him calmly. Then he had a bad day at work so I really wasn't going to bring it up... Then it came up and I had a crazysode. Then going through fb I saw someone had posted John 8:36 "So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free." So where the heck is my freedom!!? I have been praying and seeking for my freedom and it hasn't come!!!! I know I'm just super frustrated and emotional right now, and I know that God has my relief in store, but I'm so exhausted. I'm so tired of this. So tired of being in my head. So tired of being how I am with no relief on sight. Sigh. Hopefully I'll feel better in the morning.

Right now, as I start this post, I'm not sure what path it will take. I have multiple things on my heart and mind. One of those of course being the recent officer involved shootings. I, many times, choose not to watch the videos of what happened, but because I need to have my own opinion on the matter and not just go by what media or others say I will sometimes watch them. These two recent ones have just been horrific. I hope the officers involved are severely punished. And for the officers that shot the man who was already down, whom they already had both of his arms, whom they already shot and then shot him again while he was on the ground with them on top of him... I hope they are charged with murder, because that's what it was. For the man who was shot after telling the officer that he was a licensed to carry. How do you make a choice to shoot someone when they are in a car with their family??  I'm truly saddened by these incidents and wish I could understand

Well my journey to wellness hasn't gone anywhere. lol I called the doctors office last week and had to leave a message, but it works out because we are broke again so I can't afford to go anyway. Our co-pay is low, but if they have to run test and stuff it'll have to wait. I'm always thinking ahead to rent and stuff. It'll be a few days late this month, so we have to pay extra. So I'm trying to make sure we have enough for that before I spend any money. Although I could try to make an appointment for after rent and everything is paid, but I never know what income we will have coming in. So I'll wait it out again. This week we had both of the boys' first dentist appointments so that was extra spending. And in a couple weeks my oldest has allergy testing done... so my appointment will wait even longer. The other part that sucks is that I can't give my 7yr old any medicine for at least 10 days before his allergy test so that the meds don't mess up t

I am blessed with a man who is a really good daddy to our children. When he walks in the door the mood and attitude of the whole house changes because Daddy's Home! Our kids adore him and his unconditional love. My husband is the most laid back man I've ever met. He, even though he doesn't try, is the real deal. He's a man who is (extremely) slow to anger. We have been together for 8 years and I can count on one hand the times I've seen him angry. And it's a wonderful thing when we have strong willed children. (lol I can't imagine where they get that from...) What amazes me even more with him, is that he never met his father. He never had that steady guy in his life to show him what fatherhood was all about, and yet here he is killing it! I'm a proud wife. :) Many people have a hard time around father's day. There's all those sappy lovey-dovey father's day cards and stuff and people either don't have a father living, never had a father

We are all tempted, probably on a daily basis. Tempted by something that is a weakness or has an appeal to us. It could be food, drink, sex, porn, technology whatever it is that pulls at our attention. The devil uses these things to keep our focus away from God and the calling He has put on our lives.       John 10:10 NIV "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;..." Satan's purpose is to harm and to keep us as far away from God and His promises as he can. He uses whatever he can to keep you down. He is the king of Liars. No one likes a liar, and he is the main one that we believe. Why is that? Just because he uses our own voice in our own heads, doesn't make what he says true! For example, I try not to eat food at night. 1 because I get heartburn and get fat (lol) and 2 because eating at night gives me some really weird dreams (like lock me in a padded room weird haha). But I watch tv at night.. and what do almost all the commercials advertise at

Submissive Before doing my research into this word/task I hated the word/idea “submissive”. To me it was a way for men to take over and do as they pleased and us lowly women didn’t have a voice. We were to do as we were told and that was the end of it. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t to have opinions or thoughts of our own, but it’s to allow our husbands to step up and be the husbands/fathers/leaders that God created them to be. Our husbands are supposed to be the head of the household and we are to follow that lead; giving them advice and help along the way. However, if they make a stupid choice, which we all know they will, we are to stand by them continuing to guide and help them and not to discourage them more and keeping our “I told you so”s to ourselves. (I know it’s hard! Especially because I’m always right! Lol) My husband can’t become the man God is calling him to be if I’m too busy taking care of everything and being the head of the household. I’m a control freak. I like t

Yes, I am a woman and yes I really hate shopping for myself! I am 5'6 and 150lbs-ish. Most of my weight is in my middle and butt area. I've seemed to have gained some weight around the middle recently and have only one pair of capris that fit. (No idea how I've gained since I've been working out but whatever.) I went to CitiTrends today bc I had a gift card. Apparently my size is somewhere in between the normal sizes and the plus sizes. Out of the 10 items I tried on only one thing fit well enough to buy. I did get another item but it had a draw string so that doesn't really count size wise. Lol I'm not a big person, at all, so to have to try to find the smaller sizes of the plus size clothing is really ridiculous. I even went to another store close by and tried on 7 different items of different sizes and nothing fit! It's crazy. And it's no wonder we have such awful self esteem! That is all for my rant today! Have a good one!

Recently I've been reminded, multiple times, of an experience I had as a young woman in spiritual warfare. Until this experience, I had a biblical understanding of hell and the devil. After this experience I had an all new view of it. One I'll never forget. In my late teens/early twenties I volunteered at an inner city church with the youth group. One night after our gathering the youth leader and I were sitting out in her car talking. While we were talking a couple of guys walked past the car. One of the men glanced over at the car and his eyes were pure white. He had no pupils or anything, and in that instant there was a war. There was a war between worlds between our eyes and his, between his body and mine, between his god and my God. It felt as though I was suffocating. Tears came to my eyes. After he passed by and the battle going on ceased we prayed. We prayed hard. We called to God and He came down and gave us peace because no matter how difficult the battle is, or

Unfortunately I know a lot of people who say that they are Christians but are also racists. They claim Christ, but do not have love for their fellow humans that are different than they are. I wonder how they would feel if they saw Jesus face to face, considering he wasn't white. (The thought of their faces when/if they see Him makes me giggle.) It's funny to me that people will boast of their faith and the truth of the Bible, but fail to really SEE what it says. It says that Christ was born in Bethlehem, which is in the Middle East. Middle Eastern people have dark skin. I have a friend that is from Bangladesh and I imagine Jesus looked quite similar to him. Another thing Racist Christians fail to SEE in the Bible is that Christ called us to LOVE. He didn't say just love those that are like you. In fact he said just the opposite. He told us to love everyone and to go into the world so that we could reach everyone for Him and His glory. Christ himself talked to and loved

Each morning I take my son to school (we live too close for him to ride the bus).  Each morning we pass the middle school kids waiting for the bus. Before we had a car we would walk by the early bird kids and say good morning and wish them a good day, so I knew they were kind and courteous kids waiting there in the mornings.  A month or two ago a new boy joined the bus stop. He consistently wore all black and sat alone with his head down. I could feel that he was hurting. I could feel that he was alone and really having a hard time. Many times I contemplated stopping and talking to him, but an "old" (to them) lady stopping and showing interest in him would, I felt, bring him more bullying and not be helpful. So I began to pray for him. Everyday as I drove by I prayed for this young man, and prayed for the others around him. I prayed that at least one of them would open their eyes and heart to this kid. Last week I noticed one of the boys starting to sit with him and i

Last week was a horrible week. It was just bad. The depression was bad, but adding on to that crazy, not listening kids, and disagreement with hubby it was just all piled on and was really hard to get out of. But today was good. And I really enjoy when it's good. I enjoy my kids when I feel mentally well. I laugh at their goofiness and don't get super mad when they are hateful. And oh how wonderful it is! My kids deserve a mommy who laughs with them instead of yells because of getting annoyed about every little thing. So, I will enjoy the day I had and pray for another one. Good night everyone. Remember depression is real and it sucks, but you can get through it! We can help each other. And know that you are NOT alone!

Can I just say.. Again.. Depression SUCKS! There doesn't have to be a reason why I feel like I'm worthless.. I just do. I'm also a Christian. I try to read my Bible. I pray often. I go to church on Sunday. And I really try to be a good Christ follower. But being a Christ follower and battling depression day in and day out is hard. Because I know in my heart that I'm so very valuable because God created me and loves me unconditionally. But my head just doesn't hold on to that all the time. And then I feel guilty because I don't have that joy and happiness the Bible speaks of. I feel guilty because I'm not the person I'd like to be. I'm not the great Christian woman (parent especially) that I long to be. And that guilt can be so very overwhelming. I constantly feel like I'm failing at everything. Recently, during a discussion with someone I brought up something that is in the Bible. The person asked me to stop bringing up the Bible becaus