Divinely Hooked

So, I'm a mess today. It's been such an emotional couple days and I am at my tearful breaking point. I've heard before that the purest form of worship is when you are worshiping through pain. And that's where I'm at. And it's okay! It's okay to question what is going on. It's okay to be angry and not understand. My video tonight is very short because I couldn't not cry. Whatever you are going through, you are worth fighting for. You are loved! You are wanted! https://youtu.be/BbSZ3jras_0 https://youtu.be/ZX1S5VLYNv8 The second video is to the song I was talking about in the video.

To be blunt... This week has sucked! I've been in physical pain, which is nothing new, but it's been rough this week. I am pretty sure my medication is making my physical issues worse, but I don't have an appointment with my doctor until January. Then my oldest is sick. He's sick sick. And if he doesn't get better by Tuesday he cannot have the procedure done that he needs done and it'll be postponed. Which would suck because then we'll have to pay more because it'll be a new year and new health insurance. Side note: I hate health insurance. My husband makes too much for us to get any help with it, but what's offered through his job is awful (and I'm not covered) and will leave our total yearly income after rent and insurance to less than $10,000. Needless to say I'm very frustrated with it. The highlight of my week was praise team practice. I love to sing and worship. If you are struggling with mental health or you are overwhelmed w

https://youtu.be/PcwkLUaLQJs My boys and I have been reading the Bible, not every night, but more often than not. We've just completed up to when King David passed away. If we look back at his life and his writings (Psalm) we can see that he really struggled. I think he dealt with depression. He was such an amazing man! He went from being a God fearing shepherd boy to the king God had in store for the Israelites. He fought and killed Goliath. He committed murder and adultery. He was often in fear for his life. And yet he didn't stop praising and relying on God. It's so encouraging to see a man who was often depressed and who made some very poor choices still be used in great ways by God  If you want to be encouraged many of David's songs and prayers are recorded in Psalms. No matter what you've done or where you are mentally, you are worth something! God has a plan for you! If you need help, get help. There is NO shame in getting help. Others in this wor

Yesterday was a busy day and it didn't register that it was Wednesday and I should do a video until I went to bed. So, today I'm posting. I'm not doing a video though. I did one, but it was awful and I look awful and I have a bad headache and you could tell. Anyway, today was a bad day. Medication is great and helpful, but it doesn't remove bad days. That being said, my reactions and internal dialog is very different than what it would normally be. It started this morning with my 4 year old. I could possibly leave it at that and other parents would understand. Ha! He was just angry this morning. From when he got up until shortly before going to school he was a screaming, crying, angry mess. All because I asked him to make his bed. He's 5 in less than a month (😢) and he has to straighten up his bed, clean up his toys, and practice his school stuff before he's allowed to watch PBS kids. Well, today he wasn't having it. He was screaming, yelling, crying, t

Tonight's video I looked back at some old blog posts from before I got on medication. https://youtu.be/yj3uHEMSnMY It's heartbreaking to me to see the anger and how much I hated myself. And it's so sad that I waited so long to get the help I needed. If you need help, please seek help. YOU are worth it! P.S. I look like I don't have any eyebrows. HAHA! Note to self.. do my eyebrows before the next video. LOL!

Hey yall, Today my video is about something that I have delt with over the years. https://youtu.be/PsgMdctXpz8 If you've looked through my blogs you already know that I've had multiple miscarriages. Over the years many people have not believed me because I didn't have proof of my pregnancies. It is very frustrating and hurtful when this happens. I shouldn't have to prove to anyone about my pain or what I've gone through. No one should have to prove to anyone that their pain is legitimate. It's the same way with mental illness. We shouldn't have to prove what we are going through. We shouldn't have to bend over backwards to get the help that we need. People shouldn't have to prove their pain for others to be compassionate and loving. We are called, by God, to love others. It's the second most important commandment. The first, of course, being love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Love others, love your

This may be a long one, but that's ok. It's a very important one. If you would rather watch the video I did on this subject here is the link.  https://youtu.be/Lr9CLnbYnR4 I've written about this subject a couple of times in my blog, but it is so real and so true, that I'm doing it again. There are multiple verses in the Bible that tell us to rely on God for all things and to find our joy in Him. And if I'm honest reading those often caused me guilt. I have the desire to find all my joy and happiness in the Lord, but it just doesn't happen like that for me. I have to learn to be ok with that. God still loves me and He still wants me to have joy and happiness. Depression, and mental health in general, are often taboo subjects in church. I grew up in the church and grew up with a medicated mother (for depression) and it was still not discussed. Why are so many people ashamed? Why do Christians put such a high wall around certain subjects? We don't hide

Often, I am plagued by harsh memories or flashbacks of things from the past that cause me to feel dark and down. In those times I have to tell myself that those were in the past and I'm beyond that point in life. Sometimes it's the self hatred talk, sometimes it's abuse from past relationships, and sometimes it's struggles that I've had with others that were painful. (sometimes it's the loss of my babies due to miscarriages, most of the time I can reflect on those with joy because I know I will be reunited with them in Heaven.) The key to all of this is knowing that Satan is a liar. His main objective in life is to keep us from God by any means necessary. https://youtu.be/sRPZu5BgXtA The verses I used in the video are : John 10:10 1 Peter 5:8-9 James 4:7 John 8:44 One of the main things I have to remember is that Satan is not capable of telling the truth! He wants me to fail. As a person, as a mother, as a friend, and as a wife. I cannot let him win

Tonight you get me raw and emotional. This evening was a rough evening, I had to get on my treadmill and get some frustration out in my walk. I really don't like to just walk or exercise, but it really does make a big difference in my mental state. I often have to force myself to work out. Tonight's video is about not hiding anymore. Being bold for yourself, be released from the slavery of mental illness. https://youtu.be/azH-xBbPLA4 The scriptures I mentioned are: 2 Peter 2:19b "A man is a slave to whatever has mastered him" Ezra 9:9 "Though we are slaves, our God has not deserted us in our bondage. He has shown us kindness ... He has granted us new life to rebuild the house of our God and repair its ruins, and he has given us a wall of protection ..." Psalm 139:1 "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are famili

Hey yall! Welcome to my second week of doing a video! Try to ignore my slightly fat lip lol! I had a canker sore and then bit that canker sore... Which resulted in a fat lip, and of course I didn't notice until I watched my video. This video shares my turning point story. If you've followed this blog, you've read the story before, but you are more than welcome to watch the video. https://youtu.be/X2OrMkF5CGU I wish I knew how to change that still shot/preview still lol that one is awful  haha! I pray you are all doing ok. And if you're not, please find help. Remember that you are loved, you are wanted, and you are worth fighting for  If you are suicidal please reach out https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Goodnight all 

Here's my first mental health small group video! The group is called "Chosen". https://youtu.be/PWLRX3V0cPI I cracked up part way though because a clap of thunder scared the crap out of me. Haha! And I could hear my boys in the living room laughing because it scared them too. Here is the website that I found the definition that I used in the video. https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=2947 Here is the link to suicide prevention life line. You can call the toll free number or you can even chat online! https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ I hope those links work, I've never done one on here. I will try to do these weekly. If you have a topic you would like discussed, please send me a message or leave a comment. Please be aware that if you leave a nasty comment and are being rude I will remove it. Life is hard enough without dealing with unkindness. Be blessed! ❤

Lately I've been feeling pressed by God to be more of a giver. Give more of my time. Help those who need help. Offer the lady walking from the school a ride home. (Which I didn't do the other day and God really convicted me on it.) Then yesterday I saw an older guy on the side of the road with the hood up on his van. Now, I'm normally not one to stop and help on the side of the road, because really all I can do is change a tire and jump a car, but I felt the nudge to see if he needed anything. So I did a u-turn and pulled beside him to see if he needed a jump or anything, but he said he was fine, so off I went. I'm a giver naturally, if I have something that someone needs I will give it to them. I don't have much, but if I can help someone, I will. That make me happy. But God has been telling me to do more. To be more. I'm not very good at doing devotionals, but I do read it sometimes and today was very fitting for what God has been whispering to me. James

Hey yall, This week is going to be a very busy week and I'm just worn out. Last week I had my follow up appointment with my new doctor. I liked her a lot more this time than the first time. I'm down 5lbs (yay me!) And my biggest complaint with my antidepressant is that it causes some serious vertigo.  So she suggested that I switch to taking it at night instead of in the morning, but so far it's not helping. If it keeps up I will discuss trying a new medication with her. The last two nights I've had migraines and upset stomach, so that just wears me out. I can't even rock in the rocking chair or work on my crochet project. Which are both very sad for me. lol And since making the appointment to have my dog put down I've been having a lot of lock jaw issues with is also a cause of my headaches (which I have everyday most of the time all day long) so my teeth are super sensitive and painful. Just drinking room temperature water causes pain. And I'm not r

Back when I was a youngster I was living with a friend and decided that I wanted a dog. So off to the shelter we went. Most of the dogs were barking and jumping around, but the dog that called to my heart was a little girl dog that was sitting in her fence with her head down and not looking around. She had just completed heart worm treatments and had just been fixed. She was a beautiful red color with tiger stripes. Her papers said that she was a 10-12 month old boxer mix and she was only $25.00. I was sold. At the time I was young and had no clue about how hard it would be to get a place to live with having a fifty pound dog that was part boxer, but I couldn't leave without her. Something connected us and I'm so thankful that it did. When I put the cheap leash that they had there around her neck she didn't really know what to do. I paid for her and filled out the necessary paper work and out the door we went. I don't know what happened to her that first year of her

My recently turned 9 year old has been needing and been using deodorant for a while now. I don't know if he just didn't believe me about his stink or what, but he was not using his deodorant like I was telling him to. The other day he decided to get his vitamins out of the upper cabinet in the kitchen for himself. He was in there and reached up to get them and made this horrified face and told me that "something STINKS!!" I didn't smell anything when I was in there a little bit before him. So I go in there and he walks by me and I told him it was himself that he was smelling! 😂 Needless to say he went and put deodorant on. But boy did it make me laugh! And of course I texted the story to my family members so they could enjoy the moment with me. A couple days later my youngest had to go to bed early because of behavior so it opened the perfect opportunity to begin my puberty talk with my older son. It went well. He hasn't asked any questions or anything. He f

Hey everyone! It's been a while! An update about the porn watching neighbor boy: He has chosen to not be friends or even speak to my son because he told me about what happened at the birthday party. I did speak to the boy and explain that he wasn't trying to be a tattletale, he was trying to understand what he saw and that I told on him. We haven't seen him since. Not a huge disappointment for me since he wasn't a nice kid anyway, but a tough thing for my son to deal with. I have not yet had "the talk" yet with my son, I'm getting ready to prepare myself and get what I want to go over with him figured out. Then we will have the talk in the next few weeks. I have been getting better with the dizziness from my meds. It's not as bad. Really I don't notice it anymore, which is good since I'd rather not randomly fall over. haha. I've been exercising regularly since about March. I'm down 5lbs, but let me tell you I hate it! Not the weight

Hello all! I don't know if you are parents, but if you are, you know that it is hard. And knowing when to allow certain things is a whole other ballpark. I don't allow my kids on the internet, unless I am there behind them watching what they are doing. I will not be buying them a phone with internet access... unless of course I'm able to have full access at any time. Kids have enough trouble and temptations, they don't need access to the internet constantly to make things harder. Last week I allowed my boys (ages 8 and 4) to go to a neighbor's house to celebrate the neighbor boy's birthday. This was the first time I ever let them be in the care of someone other than family, or during church when they are in their designated areas. This was a big thing for me. I'm a very protective mama. I don't mess around when it comes to my kids. I was unsure of letting them go over there because the kid isn't a very nice kid, and I don't really care

So, detoxing off of my pills is no joke! I had horrible dizziness to the point of falling over and all of my awful depression crap was in full swing. It was awful! I'm in need of an increase, however I'm not sure I want to stay on this medication. I had some dizziness before I got on the meds, but it's a lot worse now. And what the heck is the deal with medications killing libido?? I do have a doctors appointment with my new doctor on Monday so I'm planning to discuss medication options. Many, if not most, of yall don't know me on a personal level and don't know how bad I was before all of this. You'll just have to trust me when I tell you, it's a night and day difference. And I'm a much much calmer and more level headed parent. However, my older son doesn't seem to see the difference. Often he says how horrible his life is and how he wishes he lived somewhere else. Now, I know he most likely has some imbalances in his brain like I do, but it&

I had to get doctor approval for my next refill of my medication. I called the doctors office a week before being out. Normally the pharmacy will automatically refill it when they get the approval. I hadn't heard anything, so when I was down to two pills I called the pharmacy for the refill. Needless to say they didn't come in. I was already having issues and today has been bad. I'm praying it comes in tomorrow. My older son has been sick this week. And I really have no patience with him, even when he's sick. And I feel really guilty about that. I'm angry, sad, and everything in between.

Well, I found a new doctor to go to, but there weren't any openings until March. So I have to wait until then. My current medicine is working alright, it's keeping me from having what I refer to as "crazysodes", which are just extreme manic episodes. But I'm having a lot of physical pain and general discomfort all the time. I'm not sure what the doctor will want to do. She may just increase the meds I'm on and see if that helps.  The last couple days have been difficult with my boys. The way they act you would think that we spoil them rotten. My older one threatened to call the police because he was getting in trouble. Didn't even get spanked and he was threatening it. I don't know where kids today think that they can call the police on their parents just because they don't like something. We never even considered it when I was a kid! My little one just thinks he should get to do whatever he wants and throws a tantrum when he doesn't get