Really awful day.
Yesterday was a busy day and it didn't register that it was Wednesday and I should do a video until I went to bed. So, today I'm posting. I'm not doing a video though. I did one, but it was awful and I look awful and I have a bad headache and you could tell.
Anyway, today was a bad day. Medication is great and helpful, but it doesn't remove bad days. That being said, my reactions and internal dialog is very different than what it would normally be.
It started this morning with my 4 year old. I could possibly leave it at that and other parents would understand. Ha! He was just angry this morning. From when he got up until shortly before going to school he was a screaming, crying, angry mess. All because I asked him to make his bed. He's 5 in less than a month (😢) and he has to straighten up his bed, clean up his toys, and practice his school stuff before he's allowed to watch PBS kids. Well, today he wasn't having it. He was screaming, yelling, crying, throwing stuff tearing up stuff and calling me names. Now normally I would spank his behind or punish him in some way. Today, however, I wasn't ok emotionally to do that.
Before I was more stable I wouldn't have been able to control myself and I would have punished him too much. But now I'm able to maintain control and know when it's not a good time for me to discipline. So instead I told him to go take a nap and not to come out.
When he decided to come back out (no nap was taken by the way) he was back to being himself, but I was not ok. (explanation coming) So, he played and looked at books until lunch and then he got ready for prek. When we got home he asked me if I made his bed for him. I said "nope!" and thus began the tantrum all over again. I did eventually go in and gave him direction.
Also causing emotional turmoil for me today is that my mom has a brain tumor and it has grown very quickly recently. To the point that they are now wanting to do brain surgery very quickly. Quickly as in it would be happening tomorrow if their insurance would have responded. Now it'll be happening on the 29th. We knew about the tumor before and it was a slow-growing mass that was inoperable. (She had a biopsy, radiation, and took chemo pills; and things were looking positive.) But now the mass has changed and become very aggressive. With the way things are here currently I'm not able to go help take care of her and that causes a lot of stress and guilt for me. Brain surgery no matter how big or small is still brain surgery, it can alter the person with no explanation. And it's extremely scary. And I'm not ready to not have my mama. (she's only 56)
We serve a God that is fully capable of healing. Sometimes He chooses not to and that's hard to deal with. But no matter what we go through it can be used for His will and for His plan, if we're willing.
That's all for now.
Good night.
P.s. I did exercise today which helped and I also took a very hot bath with Epsom salt.
Anyway, today was a bad day. Medication is great and helpful, but it doesn't remove bad days. That being said, my reactions and internal dialog is very different than what it would normally be.
It started this morning with my 4 year old. I could possibly leave it at that and other parents would understand. Ha! He was just angry this morning. From when he got up until shortly before going to school he was a screaming, crying, angry mess. All because I asked him to make his bed. He's 5 in less than a month (😢) and he has to straighten up his bed, clean up his toys, and practice his school stuff before he's allowed to watch PBS kids. Well, today he wasn't having it. He was screaming, yelling, crying, throwing stuff tearing up stuff and calling me names. Now normally I would spank his behind or punish him in some way. Today, however, I wasn't ok emotionally to do that.
Before I was more stable I wouldn't have been able to control myself and I would have punished him too much. But now I'm able to maintain control and know when it's not a good time for me to discipline. So instead I told him to go take a nap and not to come out.
When he decided to come back out (no nap was taken by the way) he was back to being himself, but I was not ok. (explanation coming) So, he played and looked at books until lunch and then he got ready for prek. When we got home he asked me if I made his bed for him. I said "nope!" and thus began the tantrum all over again. I did eventually go in and gave him direction.
Also causing emotional turmoil for me today is that my mom has a brain tumor and it has grown very quickly recently. To the point that they are now wanting to do brain surgery very quickly. Quickly as in it would be happening tomorrow if their insurance would have responded. Now it'll be happening on the 29th. We knew about the tumor before and it was a slow-growing mass that was inoperable. (She had a biopsy, radiation, and took chemo pills; and things were looking positive.) But now the mass has changed and become very aggressive. With the way things are here currently I'm not able to go help take care of her and that causes a lot of stress and guilt for me. Brain surgery no matter how big or small is still brain surgery, it can alter the person with no explanation. And it's extremely scary. And I'm not ready to not have my mama. (she's only 56)
We serve a God that is fully capable of healing. Sometimes He chooses not to and that's hard to deal with. But no matter what we go through it can be used for His will and for His plan, if we're willing.
That's all for now.
Good night.
P.s. I did exercise today which helped and I also took a very hot bath with Epsom salt.
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