Divinely Hooked

Wow, it's been almost 3 years since I wrote last! The title of my last entry was "mental illness SUCKS" and today I say Ditto! I haven't written in so long because I couldn't. I was not in a place where I could put my feelings out there without sounding like an angry old hag hashing out the same things over and over. Today though it's for my sons. I so much wish I could take away their imbalances and have them experience life uninhibited. Instead they have my imbalances. They have anger, hatred, depression, anxiety, ADHD, ... The list goes on.  I wish I could erase the pain they have inflicted on others. I can't apologize enough for the hurtful words and actions they have taken. I can't fix this. God can, if He chooses to. But He may not. This may be part of their testimony. Like mine is part of mine.  We're on medications (they don't fix everything, but they sure help), we've done therapy, and we are trying. We are trying to survive in thi...

12/9/2020 (Technically tomorrow) It's hard to believe it's been a year since my mom has been gone. A year since I saw her face. A year since she drew breath. A year... A very long year. In a way I'm thankful she hasn't been around to see all the hatred and craziness going on, but I also wish she was still here to talk to. I know she would be heartbroken and fearful with the racial division going on. She loved my husband as her own and referred to him as "my son". She would be fearful with her grandsons growing up with it all going on. And with her cancer battle, it's not something I would want her to see or feel.  I'm very glad she's not having to deal with this pandemic. If she was still here I would not let anyone come anywhere near her. Which would make treatment a bit difficult. Lol I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss talking about things of the past. I miss laughing at how much we are alike. I miss talking to her about my depression struggl...

     So often I feel like I have to keep a mask on at all times. A mask of being socially acceptable. By that I mean that I have to have my fake face on and be okay because I'm supposed to have my stuff together. I'm a Christ follower, I'm supposed to always have a smile, a sweet demeanor, and constant joy in the Lord. I'm not supposed to show how much physical pain I'm in, day in and day out. I'm not supposed to show how much having mentally unstable children drains me and sucks the joy of motherhood out of me. And don't I dare ever show when my depression is in full swing. Heaven forbid I show that I'm struggling.  Personally when it's been a rough day with my kids , or my own mental health, my body will physically rebel after they go to bed. I live with chronic pain 24/7, but you wouldn't know it. I live with a constant battle within myself 24/7, but you wouldn't know it. I feel the emotions of those around me 24/7, but you wouldn't kn...

I have never been a small town girl. Don't get me wrong I LOVE the country. I LOVE farms and animals. And I very much love the peacefulness of being away from busyness. However, living in a small town just isn't for me. A little over a year ago I made the decision, with full support from my amazing husband, to move to this small (to us) town so I could be close to my parents and be near my mom as she came to the end of her earthly life. That choice will never ever be a regretted one. While we have had many negative experiences here, none of it will take away from the 5 months that I had with, caring for, and loving my sweet mama. The absolute hardest part of moving is leaving the last place I was able to physically love on her. I won't be able to walk into "her room" at their house anymore or sit in her rocking chair by the windows she loved to look out of. And it's so hard.  I thought moving to a predominantly black community would be a positive experience fo...

Well, I've change my medication again. As you go on this journey to wellness you have to weigh the benefits verses the side effects. Lately, the side effects of my medication were out weighing the benefits. I had a nurse practitioner that I haven't met before this time and I LOVED her! She not only listened to why I wanted to try something new, she wanted to know about other issues not related to my depression. She even gave me a muscle relaxer to see if it will help with my tmj which in turn helps with my headaches. I've only had to take it once and I've been able to tell a difference. If you are seeing a doctor or practitioner, of any kind, and you don't feel like it's helping; try a different person! It could make all the difference in the world! If you are in need of metal health help, please find it! It is so worth it! If you do not need the help for yourself, be the help and support for someone else. ❤️

I used up the last of the Nair I had bought to use on my mom. She hated being hairy. Probably because she had a lot of dark hair and was made for it when she was young. In high school she would wear long sleeves even in the heat because of her arm hair.  And tonight, just because I had it, I decided to use it. Funny how something stinky and messy can lead you back to special moments. I happen to have some of her clothing and put on one of her night gowns one night and giggled to myself (with a tear in my eye) because she loved that one and joked about wearing it as a dress. There's so many little things that remind me of her. Even in my own giggle and voice, I hear her. I was reflectig the other day of my time spent with her and I can't help but be grateful. Grateful that I could love her through to the end. Grateful that my husband and children were able to say goodbye the evening before she passed. Grateful that my older sister was able to be here during the last few days. I...

Quarantine has given me lots of time to think. We're doing school from home, therapy over video, and staying away from people as much as possible. And quite frankly it is no fun!  My boys do not like school at all. Neither of them can focus well and it's very taxing. I have to sit with each of them the whole time to make sure they get everything done. That alone takes up the full day! Plus you have to factory in lunch time, and the inevitable melt downs and tantrums. There is a bright spot in it all though, they are both doing better with their school work. Lol During this time of, I want to say quietness but it's not quite here lol, lock down I've been able to reflect a lot over this past year or so. My mom's birthday was last week, and that brought a lot of things to mind. But I've realized that I've purposefully not thought about what my mom went through and what I experienced with her in her final months. And now, I'm going to purposefully do that so...

I'm not sure I even have the energy at this point to write much about today, but I'll try. I'll start by saying that I have been medicated for a about 5 years now, my son has been medicated for about a month. He did not understand until about a week ago that the medicine was from the doctor. For some reason he thought it was just stuff I picked up from the store and was making him take, so he wasn't taking them consistently. This last week though he's been better with taking them and they have made a difference. All that to say that even on medicine, we still have bad days. We still have to work hard and fight for ourselves. The meds help, but they're not a magical potion. This morning my older son had a therapy appointment. He, of course, tells his therapist things that he doesn't tell me. She ends up calling me because he admitted to self harming. Long story short, keep sharp things away from him and watch him like a hawk when he's in a mood. He was no...

I've been on mood stabilizer medication for a few years now (Thank the Lord!) and now my darker skinned mini-me is too. He was taking kids chewable Singulair and I found out from his regular doctor that it is common for that to cause suicidal tendencies. So I took him off of that, which has helped, and now he's on other medicine to balance his brain out. I'm hopeful that starting it early will train his brain to do what it's supposed to do so he won't have to be on medication for the rest of his life. But, if that's necessary for him to have balance, then that's ok!  I never want him to feel ashamed about it. Our brain's chemical make up isn't anything we can control.  I, now and always, will support him in his effort to be mentally healthy! It is so important! I'm proud that he wants to be balanced and doesn't see anything wrong with needing help with that. It's been a week so far, we just got up to dosage on his ADHD/depression medicati...

Y'all ever have those days when it's just over load? Of course you do, we all do! And you never know when that day is for others! I was going to record a video, but... 1)I look awful, 2) with everything going on I'm weepy and wouldn't get through the video, and 3) writing it I can make sure I'm making sense and getting what I want out how I want it. Update on my mom: She is still alive. She is steadily declining. She's in more and more pain. We had her pain medication increased today so it should be better. She sleeps most of the time. She is very weak and has fallen a few times. Recently she fell in her room (thankfully she landed on a box of supplies and sat there until she got her strength) but she said she was trying to call for me but she couldn't remember my name. Her voice is also weak so I wouldn't have been able to hear her. I put a bell on the table by her bed, I'm not sure if she will remember what it's there for though. I'd write ...

https://youtu.be/VXCyDoJOjdU Today I'm not okay. And that's okay. We're allowed to have bad days. Even with medication, there's still going to be bad days. This week my mom was put on hospice care. If you're not familiar with what that is, it is end of life care. I helped her shower for the first time this week. I'm making sure she takes her medicine, holding her when she cries, and trying to help keep her house tidy. She such a sweet woman, I hate that she is going through what she's going through. Had she known at the beginning of it all, how she would feel now, she wouldn't have done any of it. I don't want her to die soon, but I also don't want her to be in pain. On top of watching my mother die, my 10 year old is at the point of a mental breakdown, and I'm at the end of my rope. He's so angry and so hateful that starting tonight I'll be sleeping with my door locked. He's been caught lying and stealing. Yesterday he decide...

Normally on Sundays I pick up my mom for church and take her. Today though she is feeling awful from her chemo this week. So instead of going to church, I came over to her house and had a devotional and sang some worship songs. I didn't have a devotional planned, so I just googled for some. I ended up clicking on Proverbs 31 ministries and listened/read their devotional for today. It was just right for Mom and I today! So many times we have in our minds what we want in our lives and how we want them to happen. And we get so frustrated when God's answer to our prayers is 'no'. But He isn't saying no out of spite or to be hurtful; He's saying no out of love! Whatever is behind that door that we are banging on to open, isn't what is best for us and isn't His plan for us. It was so nice to spend one on one time with my mom in God's word and worshipping Him. The Bible says where two or more are gathered He is there. And today he was laying in that bed...

Hey y'all!!! Life has been crazy lately!! Attached is a 10 minute video, I'll write some of it here too. https://youtu.be/ gl8vPCAA -yY We moved to South Carolina on July 1st. It was a crazy adventure. The trip itself wasn't bad. I did awesome driving the 20' uhaul with the car hauler on the back. It took about 12 hours, but over all it wasn't bad. Once we got here, that was a different story. The house I had rented was seriously nasty! Gaps in the doors and windows. Floors that were horribly uneven (+/- 4"). Extremely dirty. And there was animal poop all over. We literally stayed in that house less than 24 hours. Just staying there for the night me and my boys were sick. I was only able to sleep for an hour or two and was up at 6 reloading the uhaul. Thankfully I got my full refund. We're currently in a duplex. The only downside is it's a month to month, so I never know how long we'll be here. Happy thing: my kitten (watch the video for the ...

The blog below goes more in depth than the video. I was a little scatter brained when doing the video. 😊 https ://youtu.be/ gegEVVyGK1I I've had a rough week or so. Before I was on medication I fairly frequently would have what I refer to as "crazisodes". This, I now understand, were manic episodes. I haven't had any since I started my medication. I was close this weekend. It wasn't as horrible as it used to be, but it was very emotional and exhausting. It didn't help that I wasn't sleeping well (which is common) so it all accumulated and made things worse. However, I did not have the extreme anger like I used to. I didn't have the desire to hurt myself or hit or throw things. So it was still better than it used to be, but it was still hard. Another thing I've dealt with, with my depression, is severe lack of self worth. And that was another thing I was battling. It's so hard when I feel like I'll never be enough, I'll nev...