Goodbye To My Sweet Girl
Back when I was a youngster I was living with a friend and decided that I wanted a dog. So off to the shelter we went. Most of the dogs were barking and jumping around, but the dog that called to my heart was a little girl dog that was sitting in her fence with her head down and not looking around. She had just completed heart worm treatments and had just been fixed. She was a beautiful red color with tiger stripes. Her papers said that she was a 10-12 month old boxer mix and she was only $25.00. I was sold.
At the time I was young and had no clue about how hard it would be to get a place to live with having a fifty pound dog that was part boxer, but I couldn't leave without her. Something connected us and I'm so thankful that it did. When I put the cheap leash that they had there around her neck she didn't really know what to do. I paid for her and filled out the necessary paper work and out the door we went.
I don't know what happened to her that first year of her life, but I do know it wasn't a happy time. She did not connect with anyone or anything. She wouldn't look at up, she wouldn't look around, and it seemed as though she couldn't hear. But it was all from whatever trauma that took place in her life up until that point. When we got her home we introduced her to my roommate's dog and tried to get her to play and tried to giver her treats. She didn't know what the toys were for, and didn't know what the point of the treats were. She was the oldest acting puppy I had ever seen. She was also terrified of water. If she heard the water on she would go running in the opposite direction. Her fear of water never did get any better. She would tolerate me giving her a shower, but would not have anything to do with water for any reason other than bath time.
Thankfully, it didn't take long for her to come out of her shell and reveal what a sweet and loving dog she really was. All she needed was some love and a place to call home.
She was with me before I even started talking to the man who became my husband. She was along for the ride as I battled my demons and the depression swings. She was my constant love and my constant companion. She would cower and get scared when I would have a crazisode, but was there loving me as soon as my mind and emotions cleared. She traveled in the car as I moved down to Florida to be with my now husband and she LOVED him! The first time she met my parents she actually broke her tail because she was so happy. Speaking of her tail... that this was a whip! It hurt like crazy, but at least you knew she was happy. She knew I was pregnant every time before I did. (I would put my hands to my chest to indicate that she could jump up on me and she would do it every time, except when I was pregnant.) She excitedly waited for me and the new babies to get home from the hospital. She was such a loving dog to my kids. She never once snapped at them. If they accidentally hurt her she would yelp and move away. She would lay there with them leaned up against her and just let them be there. She loved on me through the pain of my miscarriages. She loved all of us, with all of our faults and issues without any questions or leeriness.
God knew what he was doing when He brought Niki and I together. He knew I needed to be shown a love like His. One that is unconditional and holds no grudges.
Last November I woke to my bed shaking and as I looked I saw my precious girl having a grand mal seizure. If you've never seen one, it's not pretty. It's very terrifying. I took her to the vets office later that day or the next day. They said that most likely she had a brain tumor, but if I wanted to really know they could do blood work and it would cost $160.00. I told her no thanks to the blood work and we would just see how things progressed. Since then she had a few more grandmal and many absentee ones. And each time it would take her longer and longer to recover. She had become extremely clingy. She would not go anywhere or do anything unless she could see where I was and what I was doing. She would have a panic attack if she couldn't find me. One day I had gone to the bathroom and asked my older son to let her outside and she refused to go out because she couldn't find me. You could see her eyes get big with fear. As soon as I was in view, her tail would wag and she would, almost visibly, breathe a sigh of relief. I had taken her on walks a few times and noticed that she was constantly losing her balance or tripping on one foot. I had to stop taking her for walks because I didn't want her to fall and hurt herself. Recently I started to notice her looking at me with big tears in her eyes. I hope it was out of love and not out of pain, but it just broke my heart because I knew her time was coming. She was also starting to whine, which is something she rarely almost never did, so I knew she was starting to be in more pain. Her breathing was becoming off, to where she would take three short breaths in and one long out. It was hard to see her like this.
Last week she had another absentee seizure. The next day she still couldn't keep her balance. And that night she tried to walk to my room to lay in her bed and she was stumbling all over the place and ended up coming over to me. I stopped what I was doing and sat on the floor with her. I was holding her up because she couldn't get her feet right. Her back legs were sprawled out and her front were crossed over each other. When she did finally right herself one of her front paws was folded under and she didn't notice, she was just standing on it, which is an indication that there is neurological damage or something not right in there. That's when I knew it was time. I sat there hugging her and bawling because I knew it was time for her.
The next day I called around to find where I could take her that would be the most affordable. The humane society was willing to do it, but couldn't get her an appointment until August 3rd, which I didn't want to do because it was just a week before school starts for my kids. The vet I went to in November was too expensive. So I found a place about 30 minutes from home that had an opening today. Needless to say I have not slept or felt good this whole week. It's so gut wrenching knowing that you only have this short amount of time before to take your sweet girl to be let go. I have been so sick to my stomach. I know it was best. I know it was her time. But there's still that little bit of guilt.
Last night was the last time I'm ever going to feed her dinner. Last night was the last time I'm ever going to take her outside. I'm so thankful that it was a nice night last night. We were all outside and I let my dog and my brother's dog outside to be with everyone. I had to come back in for a minute to get my niece a drink and as soon as I sat down outside on the grass she came over and sat between my legs, happy as can be. Her ears were flopping in the wind and I was crying like a baby (like I am right now) because I knew it was the last time I would get to see her and be with her like that.
The doctor today was very kind. He talked to Niki like he had known her. And she was gone before he even finished pushing the drug in her IV. I didn't expect her to go so fast. I didn't even notice her last breathe.
My older son has been good about things. He cried today when we stopped by my step-daughter's house so she could tell Niki bye and she started crying. My little one doesn't understand, he just knows that mommy is sad. He actually came into the room just as she passed away (which is why I didn't see her last breath). He cried as we drove away because he wanted her back.
It is so heartbreaking. Especially not to have my husband home with me through it. But it has been an amazing 11 years with her. I could not have asked God for a better dog and companion.
I did make some paw print impressions. I also made some photo collages of her with each of my boys through the years as they've grown up. Those should arrive on Thursday. I'm excited to show the boys (they don't know I had them made). And some other photos printed.
It feels weird coming home and her not being here. I've cleaned and gotten rid of some of her stuff. I know that's fast, but cleaning is one way that I cope with things. And we will get to a new normal. My boys have already asked if we could get another animal. And begged me for one of the kittens that were up for adoption at the vets office today. But we won't start down the pet ownership path again for a long while. We'd like to wait until we are home owners and don't have to pay a ton of money to have a pet with us.
I'm heartbroken to have lost my sweet old girl, but I am so very thankful that I had such a beautiful soul to spend so much time with. And now she is in heaven, no longer in pain, and running around free and happy. And hopefully loving on those babies of mine that went ahead of her.
Remember to love yourself enough to get help. As emotional and heartbroken as I am my dog helped me in my struggle with my depression, and if I didn't have medication to help me with this hard time, I would probably be in my bed not functioning right now.
Until we meet again my sweet girl,
I love you!
At the time I was young and had no clue about how hard it would be to get a place to live with having a fifty pound dog that was part boxer, but I couldn't leave without her. Something connected us and I'm so thankful that it did. When I put the cheap leash that they had there around her neck she didn't really know what to do. I paid for her and filled out the necessary paper work and out the door we went.
I don't know what happened to her that first year of her life, but I do know it wasn't a happy time. She did not connect with anyone or anything. She wouldn't look at up, she wouldn't look around, and it seemed as though she couldn't hear. But it was all from whatever trauma that took place in her life up until that point. When we got her home we introduced her to my roommate's dog and tried to get her to play and tried to giver her treats. She didn't know what the toys were for, and didn't know what the point of the treats were. She was the oldest acting puppy I had ever seen. She was also terrified of water. If she heard the water on she would go running in the opposite direction. Her fear of water never did get any better. She would tolerate me giving her a shower, but would not have anything to do with water for any reason other than bath time.
Thankfully, it didn't take long for her to come out of her shell and reveal what a sweet and loving dog she really was. All she needed was some love and a place to call home.
She was with me before I even started talking to the man who became my husband. She was along for the ride as I battled my demons and the depression swings. She was my constant love and my constant companion. She would cower and get scared when I would have a crazisode, but was there loving me as soon as my mind and emotions cleared. She traveled in the car as I moved down to Florida to be with my now husband and she LOVED him! The first time she met my parents she actually broke her tail because she was so happy. Speaking of her tail... that this was a whip! It hurt like crazy, but at least you knew she was happy. She knew I was pregnant every time before I did. (I would put my hands to my chest to indicate that she could jump up on me and she would do it every time, except when I was pregnant.) She excitedly waited for me and the new babies to get home from the hospital. She was such a loving dog to my kids. She never once snapped at them. If they accidentally hurt her she would yelp and move away. She would lay there with them leaned up against her and just let them be there. She loved on me through the pain of my miscarriages. She loved all of us, with all of our faults and issues without any questions or leeriness.
God knew what he was doing when He brought Niki and I together. He knew I needed to be shown a love like His. One that is unconditional and holds no grudges.
Last November I woke to my bed shaking and as I looked I saw my precious girl having a grand mal seizure. If you've never seen one, it's not pretty. It's very terrifying. I took her to the vets office later that day or the next day. They said that most likely she had a brain tumor, but if I wanted to really know they could do blood work and it would cost $160.00. I told her no thanks to the blood work and we would just see how things progressed. Since then she had a few more grandmal and many absentee ones. And each time it would take her longer and longer to recover. She had become extremely clingy. She would not go anywhere or do anything unless she could see where I was and what I was doing. She would have a panic attack if she couldn't find me. One day I had gone to the bathroom and asked my older son to let her outside and she refused to go out because she couldn't find me. You could see her eyes get big with fear. As soon as I was in view, her tail would wag and she would, almost visibly, breathe a sigh of relief. I had taken her on walks a few times and noticed that she was constantly losing her balance or tripping on one foot. I had to stop taking her for walks because I didn't want her to fall and hurt herself. Recently I started to notice her looking at me with big tears in her eyes. I hope it was out of love and not out of pain, but it just broke my heart because I knew her time was coming. She was also starting to whine, which is something she rarely almost never did, so I knew she was starting to be in more pain. Her breathing was becoming off, to where she would take three short breaths in and one long out. It was hard to see her like this.
Last week she had another absentee seizure. The next day she still couldn't keep her balance. And that night she tried to walk to my room to lay in her bed and she was stumbling all over the place and ended up coming over to me. I stopped what I was doing and sat on the floor with her. I was holding her up because she couldn't get her feet right. Her back legs were sprawled out and her front were crossed over each other. When she did finally right herself one of her front paws was folded under and she didn't notice, she was just standing on it, which is an indication that there is neurological damage or something not right in there. That's when I knew it was time. I sat there hugging her and bawling because I knew it was time for her.
The next day I called around to find where I could take her that would be the most affordable. The humane society was willing to do it, but couldn't get her an appointment until August 3rd, which I didn't want to do because it was just a week before school starts for my kids. The vet I went to in November was too expensive. So I found a place about 30 minutes from home that had an opening today. Needless to say I have not slept or felt good this whole week. It's so gut wrenching knowing that you only have this short amount of time before to take your sweet girl to be let go. I have been so sick to my stomach. I know it was best. I know it was her time. But there's still that little bit of guilt.
Last night was the last time I'm ever going to feed her dinner. Last night was the last time I'm ever going to take her outside. I'm so thankful that it was a nice night last night. We were all outside and I let my dog and my brother's dog outside to be with everyone. I had to come back in for a minute to get my niece a drink and as soon as I sat down outside on the grass she came over and sat between my legs, happy as can be. Her ears were flopping in the wind and I was crying like a baby (like I am right now) because I knew it was the last time I would get to see her and be with her like that.
The doctor today was very kind. He talked to Niki like he had known her. And she was gone before he even finished pushing the drug in her IV. I didn't expect her to go so fast. I didn't even notice her last breathe.
My older son has been good about things. He cried today when we stopped by my step-daughter's house so she could tell Niki bye and she started crying. My little one doesn't understand, he just knows that mommy is sad. He actually came into the room just as she passed away (which is why I didn't see her last breath). He cried as we drove away because he wanted her back.
It is so heartbreaking. Especially not to have my husband home with me through it. But it has been an amazing 11 years with her. I could not have asked God for a better dog and companion.
I did make some paw print impressions. I also made some photo collages of her with each of my boys through the years as they've grown up. Those should arrive on Thursday. I'm excited to show the boys (they don't know I had them made). And some other photos printed.
It feels weird coming home and her not being here. I've cleaned and gotten rid of some of her stuff. I know that's fast, but cleaning is one way that I cope with things. And we will get to a new normal. My boys have already asked if we could get another animal. And begged me for one of the kittens that were up for adoption at the vets office today. But we won't start down the pet ownership path again for a long while. We'd like to wait until we are home owners and don't have to pay a ton of money to have a pet with us.
I'm heartbroken to have lost my sweet old girl, but I am so very thankful that I had such a beautiful soul to spend so much time with. And now she is in heaven, no longer in pain, and running around free and happy. And hopefully loving on those babies of mine that went ahead of her.
Remember to love yourself enough to get help. As emotional and heartbroken as I am my dog helped me in my struggle with my depression, and if I didn't have medication to help me with this hard time, I would probably be in my bed not functioning right now.
Until we meet again my sweet girl,
I love you!
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