Divinely Hooked

When someone has a broken leg you don't tell them to "walk it off". When a man is hit in his junk, we laugh, but we don't tell them to "get over it" or "it doesn't hurt that bad" (okay so maybe we do but it's usually still funny. Not that they got hit there, but their reaction and usual high pitched squeals lol) My point is: When someone is battling depression or other mental illnesses it's not okay or acceptable to tell them to "get over it" or "snap out of it". It's kind of like expecting a fish to breath when it's not in water. The best thing to do if you love someone battling depression is give them never ending love and compassion. They most likely don't feel lovable and quite possibly will push you away and tell you to go find someone who isn't so screwed up. (I know I've done it!) But don't give in. Don't hurt them back because they say something mean or have an attitude. They...

Right this moment I'm laying with my one year old sleeping on me with his arm wrapped around my neck. Right this moment nothing else matters. Right this moment everything is okay. Last night sucked. This morning sucked. But right now is just right. <3

As I lay here bawling my eyes out in prayer, I've realized how I really feel at the moment. I feel broken. I feel like I'm drowning in my anger and guilt. I feel unlovable. I feel unforgivable. I feel alone. As I prayed I told God how tired I am. Tired of being broken. Tired of being angry. Tired of feeling guilt because of this illness. Tired of feeling like I can't be fixed. Tired of being tired. Daddy, I know healing is in store. I KNOW it is, but I'm so very tired. Please give me peace and understanding until that time comes. Amen.

When I don't get much sleep, or if I'm hungry, I'm an angry beast. (I wish I was kidding lol) Which is always worse if I'm having a particularly hard time with my depression. Normally when my older son has the day off from school it's not a very good day. Between my grumpiness and his attitude we clash horribly. Anyway, today he has off of school. And I didn't get much sleep at all last night. Dun... dun.. dun... lol But today I made the decision to at least try to make it a good day. I let them watch a movie this morning. Then while little one was distracted, older one and I made chocolate chip cookies. Then I made us lunch and we went outside in the front yard and had a picnic. They were THRILLED! I'm one of those people that if there's one bug outside it will find me and bite me. I swell up big and itch like crazy. (Unfortunately my older one is even worse than me, but little one doesn't get phased by bug bites at all.) While eating I ...

My kiddos and I had two good evenings in a row! That my not seem like much to anyone else but that's big for us! Big for ME! My hormones must have leveled off a bit this week. Normally I'm a crazy person when PMSing. I usually only get one week out of every month where I feel like a normal person. First I have the menstrual week, then its the week after, then its ovulation week, then it's pms week. This week my body must be out of wack because usually this is a horrible week. Not that I'm complaining!! It's nice to be able to enjoy my kids laughter and goofiness instead of getting irritated by every little thing. I went to the doctor years ago telling them that I have a hormone imbalance. They didn't believe me. Took some blood and just told me I was fine. But a 20-something woman shouldn't feel like she is in menopause and still having periods. lol When we get back on insurance I'm going to get checked again. Hopefully they will figure out...

I'm a Christ follower. I'm a Bible reading, Christ Loving Jesus Freak. (Ever heard that song Jesus Freak by DC Talk?? I love that one lol) We are taught to be fully reliant on God for our joy and peace. We're taught to be fully reliant on Him for everything. Don't get me wrong I am very strong in my Faith and Trust in God. I have no issues with trusting Him to always help me through all. And I've begged and prayed for Him to heal my mind and body. (depression affects you physically as well) But He has chosen not to do so yet. That does not mean he wont. I firmly believe in using medication when all other avenues have been exhausted. I'm at the point now that I've decided that when we get insurance again and I get the boys taken care of then I will see the doctor and ask about medication. And that avenue may be the one He uses to bring me healing. And that is OKAY! I've felt a lot of guilt over not being able to find my joy fully in the Lo...

I am a very musical person. I love music and I love to sing. Many times when we can't really express ourselves we hear a song that says things perfectly. Or we're dealing with something and hear a song that gives us encouragement. I've found that my depression transmits through me via anger. Constant anger. I feel like the hulk in the Avenger movies where he tells his "secret" that he's always angry. I feel like that. I'm always angry but don't always show it. Or it doesn't always turn me into a monster. Another way that the depression manifests in me is through making me feel like I will never be enough. I will never measure up. Whether it be in friendships, being a daughter, being a mother, and especially in being a wife. It's never ending. And it wears me down. It sucks never thinking I'll be enough for my husband because then it leaves room for worrying that he'll find someone else who IS enough. And even though that is no...