Divinely Hooked

I am so worn out, to put it bluntly. It's so hard to deal with my own mental wellness, but to also having two kids with issues as well is really hard. Many nights I go to bed shortly after they do because I'm completely exhausted. (They go to bed at 8pm.) Recently my older son, who has comprehension/language disorder and zero common sense among depression, anxiety and adhd, got into trouble because of being around the wrong kid at school. This child is bad news and will be in legal trouble before too long. At the start of the year he lied to my son and stole some stuff from him, and when that happened I told my son to not be around him or be friends with him. Spoiler alert: He didn't listen. I know, you're shocked. This child, recently, gave my son visa cards that were not his and convinced my son he was allowed to use them. This became a huge issue (obviously) and I contacted the school because I had no idea who's cards these where or where they came from. Long sto...

Life is so crazy. Tomorrow my kids go back to regular public schools. They are really looking forward to being around other kids again, but I worry. Not so much for my older son, because he'll leave his mask on, but my younger one is a stubborn little guy who does what he wants. That being said, it was still time for them to go back to school. And with them going back to school, it's time for me to go back to work! While I'm looking forward to it, I'm also going to miss my time just being at home and creating and playing games with my kids. Last Monday morning I decided to apply for some jobs. I put about 5 applications out. I was hoping to get a job that was close to the boys' schools and would give me weekends off. That afternoon I got a call. It was for a position I hadn't even applied for, but she got my information from the department head for one of the other positions I had applied to. The next day I went in for an interview at 2pm. By 5pm I was offered a...

Death is a funny thing. We all know that it will happen to us some day, and yet it's still a surprise and sometimes it's a surprise with how it happens.  Here's some examples from my life: - I've miscarried 7 babies, they never even took a breathe. - My mom had a tumor growing in her brain for many years before we ever even knew it existed. It ultimately took her life after a difficult 3ish years. She was only 57 years old.  - My mother in law died suddenly 12 years ago from a massive brain aneurysm. She was only 49 years old.  - My maternal grandfather died in his late 70s from cancer when I was a kid.  - My maternal grandmother died from cancer about 10 years later. - My paternal grandmother died about 5-6 years ago after having Alzheimer's for roughly 10 years. She was in her 70s, I think. - My paternal grandfather died just a week or two ago after having years of health issues at the age of 81. - I had an uncle who was the most physically fit person I knew that ...

 I know it's been a while since I've written and frankly it's because I've been overloaded to the point of not having the energy or the words to write. I started to write in my journal about my journey with my mom through the end of her earthly life, but even that has been at a stand still. But life goes on, things change, and we keep on truckin'.  My kids are done with virtual school (hallelujah!). I think it was harder for me to be my 1st grader's teacher than actual school was for either of them. It's truly not for the faint of heart. lol But, we survived! I have shipped back the stuff they need back, which when you live in a less than 600 sqft apartment, it makes a difference! I'm looking forward to them getting back to normal school and getting to have friends and all that good stuff. I know they're looking forward to it too.  The real reason I decided to write is because of something that happened this week. I was at the store and the lady in f...

12/9/2020 (Technically tomorrow) It's hard to believe it's been a year since my mom has been gone. A year since I saw her face. A year since she drew breath. A year... A very long year. In a way I'm thankful she hasn't been around to see all the hatred and craziness going on, but I also wish she was still here to talk to. I know she would be heartbroken and fearful with the racial division going on. She loved my husband as her own and referred to him as "my son". She would be fearful with her grandsons growing up with it all going on. And with her cancer battle, it's not something I would want her to see or feel.  I'm very glad she's not having to deal with this pandemic. If she was still here I would not let anyone come anywhere near her. Which would make treatment a bit difficult. Lol I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss talking about things of the past. I miss laughing at how much we are alike. I miss talking to her about my depression struggl...

     So often I feel like I have to keep a mask on at all times. A mask of being socially acceptable. By that I mean that I have to have my fake face on and be okay because I'm supposed to have my stuff together. I'm a Christ follower, I'm supposed to always have a smile, a sweet demeanor, and constant joy in the Lord. I'm not supposed to show how much physical pain I'm in, day in and day out. I'm not supposed to show how much having mentally unstable children drains me and sucks the joy of motherhood out of me. And don't I dare ever show when my depression is in full swing. Heaven forbid I show that I'm struggling.  Personally when it's been a rough day with my kids , or my own mental health, my body will physically rebel after they go to bed. I live with chronic pain 24/7, but you wouldn't know it. I live with a constant battle within myself 24/7, but you wouldn't know it. I feel the emotions of those around me 24/7, but you wouldn't kn...