Divinely Hooked

I've been on mood stabilizer medication for a few years now (Thank the Lord!) and now my darker skinned mini-me is too. He was taking kids chewable Singulair and I found out from his regular doctor that it is common for that to cause suicidal tendencies. So I took him off of that, which has helped, and now he's on other medicine to balance his brain out. I'm hopeful that starting it early will train his brain to do what it's supposed to do so he won't have to be on medication for the rest of his life. But, if that's necessary for him to have balance, then that's ok!  I never want him to feel ashamed about it. Our brain's chemical make up isn't anything we can control.  I, now and always, will support him in his effort to be mentally healthy! It is so important! I'm proud that he wants to be balanced and doesn't see anything wrong with needing help with that. It's been a week so far, we just got up to dosage on his ADHD/depression medicati...

With my boys and hubby in their beds sleeping, while I prepare food for Christmas, it's abnormally quiet. I usually don't like the silence, most of the time I have the tv on or music playing. But tonight as I sit here on this quiet Christmas Eve, I can't help but to think of my mom and how much she loved Christmas. Every time I pass our main road in this small town I think of her. The trees that line the street are lit up for Christmas with white vertical lights that look as if the stars are falling. Each time I pass I smile and then cry because she doesn't get to see them, but oh how she would love them. I giggle each year when I get out my Christmas tree, not because of the tree itself but because of the memory attached to it. My husband bought our tree 6 years ago. It was our first "big" tree. I was pregnant with our youngest and my parents had arrived with the expectation that he would arrive soon (spoiler: he didn't). We put the tree up, and I was exc...

When a loved one dies it's hard; but watching them slowly fade away is worse (in my opinion).  I've always known my mom as a fiercely strong woman that could be feeling the worst pain in the world and you wouldn't know because she would have a smile on her face and trying to help you with your needs.  Mom was my protector. She was my cheering partner during all of my brother's sports games. She was the one who constantly encouraged me to seek help for my depression even though she was reluctant to even talk about her own. She was always encouraging me to not lose my faith and always work on my relationship with God. And now... Now I see a worn out woman that is ready to go Home (Heaven). She has deteriorated quickly in the past week or so. She's forgotten my name, although thankfully she still knows my face. She's forgotten how to brush her teeth and how to use a fork and wash her hands. She no longer walks beside me. She's no longer able to walk at all. She...

Y'all ever have those days when it's just over load? Of course you do, we all do! And you never know when that day is for others! I was going to record a video, but... 1)I look awful, 2) with everything going on I'm weepy and wouldn't get through the video, and 3) writing it I can make sure I'm making sense and getting what I want out how I want it. Update on my mom: She is still alive. She is steadily declining. She's in more and more pain. We had her pain medication increased today so it should be better. She sleeps most of the time. She is very weak and has fallen a few times. Recently she fell in her room (thankfully she landed on a box of supplies and sat there until she got her strength) but she said she was trying to call for me but she couldn't remember my name. Her voice is also weak so I wouldn't have been able to hear her. I put a bell on the table by her bed, I'm not sure if she will remember what it's there for though. I'd write ...

Do you ever have those moments where you feel or see when the hand of God is moving? Or do you see or feel things that you know are from God? I like to call those God winks. Totally unrelated: When I found out I was pregnant with my younger son I had a vision of God smiling and winking at me and saying not your plan my love, mine. Last week was an extremely difficult week. My older son has some mental health issues, which run in the family, and has really been struggling. Anytime he gets caught doing something that he is not supposed to be doing, he has a full-on manic episode. This includes wanting to self harm and talks of suicide and running away and everything that goes along with that. He is also only 10 years old. (When I was about his age I think that was when my mental health started to decline and I begin to notice my issues.) It was bad enough of a week that I looked into boarding schools and military schools for him. (Which are insanely expensive!) That's not something...

I really hate racism. It's not something that is only aimed at non-white people. I am very much a white person and I have experienced racial tension and dislike for being me, being with and married to a black man, and for having children with this man. When my husband and I were first together we were visiting his mom and one of the older black men there did not appreciate that there was a white woman in his area. He started to yell at me and cuss at me and call me a "cracker" and all that goes with that. Luckily, I had a very outspoken and loving mother-in-law and she put that old man in his place. When I started working, when we first moved to Florida, people loved me and they loved to work with me, but when they found out that I was in a relationship with a black man their demeanor and attitudes to me changed. And I heard that they were saying how I could do better and I shouldn't be with someone like that. When I would go out with just my son often I would get d...

https://youtu.be/VXCyDoJOjdU Today I'm not okay. And that's okay. We're allowed to have bad days. Even with medication, there's still going to be bad days. This week my mom was put on hospice care. If you're not familiar with what that is, it is end of life care. I helped her shower for the first time this week. I'm making sure she takes her medicine, holding her when she cries, and trying to help keep her house tidy. She such a sweet woman, I hate that she is going through what she's going through. Had she known at the beginning of it all, how she would feel now, she wouldn't have done any of it. I don't want her to die soon, but I also don't want her to be in pain. On top of watching my mother die, my 10 year old is at the point of a mental breakdown, and I'm at the end of my rope. He's so angry and so hateful that starting tonight I'll be sleeping with my door locked. He's been caught lying and stealing. Yesterday he decide...