Divinely Hooked

When someone has a broken leg you don't tell them to "walk it off". When a man is hit in his junk, we laugh, but we don't tell them to "get over it" or "it doesn't hurt that bad" (okay so maybe we do but it's usually still funny. Not that they got hit there, but their reaction and usual high pitched squeals lol) My point is: When someone is battling depression or other mental illnesses it's not okay or acceptable to tell them to "get over it" or "snap out of it". It's kind of like expecting a fish to breath when it's not in water. The best thing to do if you love someone battling depression is give them never ending love and compassion. They most likely don't feel lovable and quite possibly will push you away and tell you to go find someone who isn't so screwed up. (I know I've done it!) But don't give in. Don't hurt them back because they say something mean or have an attitude. They...

Right this moment I'm laying with my one year old sleeping on me with his arm wrapped around my neck. Right this moment nothing else matters. Right this moment everything is okay. Last night sucked. This morning sucked. But right now is just right. <3

As I lay here bawling my eyes out in prayer, I've realized how I really feel at the moment. I feel broken. I feel like I'm drowning in my anger and guilt. I feel unlovable. I feel unforgivable. I feel alone. As I prayed I told God how tired I am. Tired of being broken. Tired of being angry. Tired of feeling guilt because of this illness. Tired of feeling like I can't be fixed. Tired of being tired. Daddy, I know healing is in store. I KNOW it is, but I'm so very tired. Please give me peace and understanding until that time comes. Amen.

When I don't get much sleep, or if I'm hungry, I'm an angry beast. (I wish I was kidding lol) Which is always worse if I'm having a particularly hard time with my depression. Normally when my older son has the day off from school it's not a very good day. Between my grumpiness and his attitude we clash horribly. Anyway, today he has off of school. And I didn't get much sleep at all last night. Dun... dun.. dun... lol But today I made the decision to at least try to make it a good day. I let them watch a movie this morning. Then while little one was distracted, older one and I made chocolate chip cookies. Then I made us lunch and we went outside in the front yard and had a picnic. They were THRILLED! I'm one of those people that if there's one bug outside it will find me and bite me. I swell up big and itch like crazy. (Unfortunately my older one is even worse than me, but little one doesn't get phased by bug bites at all.) While eating I ...

My kiddos and I had two good evenings in a row! That my not seem like much to anyone else but that's big for us! Big for ME! My hormones must have leveled off a bit this week. Normally I'm a crazy person when PMSing. I usually only get one week out of every month where I feel like a normal person. First I have the menstrual week, then its the week after, then its ovulation week, then it's pms week. This week my body must be out of wack because usually this is a horrible week. Not that I'm complaining!! It's nice to be able to enjoy my kids laughter and goofiness instead of getting irritated by every little thing. I went to the doctor years ago telling them that I have a hormone imbalance. They didn't believe me. Took some blood and just told me I was fine. But a 20-something woman shouldn't feel like she is in menopause and still having periods. lol When we get back on insurance I'm going to get checked again. Hopefully they will figure out...

I'm a Christ follower. I'm a Bible reading, Christ Loving Jesus Freak. (Ever heard that song Jesus Freak by DC Talk?? I love that one lol) We are taught to be fully reliant on God for our joy and peace. We're taught to be fully reliant on Him for everything. Don't get me wrong I am very strong in my Faith and Trust in God. I have no issues with trusting Him to always help me through all. And I've begged and prayed for Him to heal my mind and body. (depression affects you physically as well) But He has chosen not to do so yet. That does not mean he wont. I firmly believe in using medication when all other avenues have been exhausted. I'm at the point now that I've decided that when we get insurance again and I get the boys taken care of then I will see the doctor and ask about medication. And that avenue may be the one He uses to bring me healing. And that is OKAY! I've felt a lot of guilt over not being able to find my joy fully in the Lo...

I am a very musical person. I love music and I love to sing. Many times when we can't really express ourselves we hear a song that says things perfectly. Or we're dealing with something and hear a song that gives us encouragement. I've found that my depression transmits through me via anger. Constant anger. I feel like the hulk in the Avenger movies where he tells his "secret" that he's always angry. I feel like that. I'm always angry but don't always show it. Or it doesn't always turn me into a monster. Another way that the depression manifests in me is through making me feel like I will never be enough. I will never measure up. Whether it be in friendships, being a daughter, being a mother, and especially in being a wife. It's never ending. And it wears me down. It sucks never thinking I'll be enough for my husband because then it leaves room for worrying that he'll find someone else who IS enough. And even though that is no...

It's amazing how little things can change your mood. This morning was again a rough morning. I was looking online at churches that I may try when we get a car again and was sad because I couldn't find something I felt would be a good fit. Then a friend from high school sent me a picture of an old church we used to go to because he was driving by. It made me smile. It brought me joy. I did another search for churches and found one that I may try. Then my brother and my niece came over. It's amazing how having adult conversation can lift a mood. Hubby was working but had a break long enough to send me a wonderful text telling me he loves me, in beautiful, and that I'm doing a great job with our kids even though I think they never listen. At the end of the day I'm content. I'm blessed. And I'm loved.

To be honest most of my days aren't good ones lately. And quite frankly it sucks. I hate being angry. I hate being down for no reason. I hate that every little thing annoys me. And I hate that there's nothing I can do about it. I wish it was as easy as just snapping out of it. Or faking it. But it's not. It's a full body frustration. None if this however takes away from God being God and Him being good.

Don't let the title scare you it's a very happy and blessed story. Well maybe not a very HAPPY one, but it is incredibly blessed. My childhood was messy. It left a lot of scars and a lot of pain. When I went to college: I was so happy to be out of the house that I didn't even walk my family back out of my dorm. I said bye from my room, shut the door, and started dancing (something we weren't allowed to do in my house).  As an 18 year old girl, I had no idea how to cope with things. I didn't know what it meant to truly be loved. I was sent into the world on my own - broken and never feeling like I was good enough for anything or anyone. The God I knew was my parents' god, not mine. I didn't have my own relationship with him. Sure, I could sing the worship songs, I could pray the prayers but God was not personal to me. I ended up falling in love with a boy. Me. The broken girl who wouldn't know what real love was if it bit her in the butt ma...

Loneliness is... Lonely. It is Isolating. Loneliness is saddening. It is depressing. Loneliness is everywhere. It is unfair. Loneliness affects men. It affects women. Loneliness is in marriages. It is in singles. Loneliness is in families. It is in all people. Loneliness is many things to many people. To me it is the feeling of not having anyone to be around, or talk to. It is being stuck at home without a car with only two children to talk to day in and day out. It's having the love of your life traveling for work all the time and not getting to be hugged, or kissed, or that other thing lovers do. It is a constant that people refuse to acknowledge. It is everywhere, but people won't make an effort to reach out to those who are lonely. I don't know why. Maybe they are afraid or don't know what to say. I don't know. If that is you, feeling lonely, please know that you are not alone in how you are feeling! If you are in a marriage and you ...

I don't know about anyone else, but I have always had good experiences with people with down syndrome. When I was pregnant the doctors wanted to do the normal tests to see if the baby would have disabilities, but we decided against it because regardless of if there was something wrong we were going to accept and love our child. Some people can do that easily, other's can't. Many time people with down syndrome have health issues. But the many I have met, are so loving and happy even when they are going through it all. I used to work as my church secretary; in the same building we had a day care, food pantry, and a medical clinic. I've always battled depression and anger and this day in particular was a difficult one. I walked over to the clinic to put some of our church flyers in the lobby. Standing at the end of the hallway was a down syndrome toddler who saw me and his face lit up with joy. He smiled at me the whole way I walked down the hall and when I reached him ...

It seems that October is the month of awareness for multiple things. Here are a some that affect me directly. I'll write about most of them this month. - Down syndrome awareness month - Dwarfism Awareness Month - National Domestic Violence Awareness Month - National Breast Cancer Awareness Month - National Bullying Prevention Month - National infant loss and miscarriage awareness month These are all important to me, but the last one is very near and dear to me. You see, before I got pregnant with my older son I miscarried twice. Between my two boys I miscarried four more times. But if it weren't for God and His healing touch I wouldn't have either on of my boys. Before we got pregnant with our oldest we were going to a church, where we had a few close friends. One of which is a strong God-seeking, God-fearing, fireball of a woman. During one service, I was sitting with some kids, and had one on my lap during all the praising and prayer. My friend came over and placed her ha...

Why are people so mean to each other? Why do we always put other's down or think ill of them? Why can we not love each other the way Christ loved? That's what we're called to do, isn't it? Christ didn't spend his time with the saints or religious leaders of his time. He spent it with the sinners and those who were deemed outcasts by society. And what's even better, he LOVED them! He loved them with genuine never ended, never ceasing, never changing Love.  The kind of love that no human can express or understand. In Mark 2:17 He states that He didn't come to earth for the righteous but for the sinners. He came just for us! How awesome is that!?  Think about this: Christ/God is all knowing. Could you still be nice and loving toward someone you knew would betray you in the future? Could you still be nice and loving to someone you knew would be talking bad about you when you're not around? Could you still be nice to someone that you know would come ...