Mental Health Awareness Week -- My Suicide Story

Don't let the title scare you it's a very happy and blessed story. Well maybe not a very HAPPY one, but it is incredibly blessed.

My childhood was messy. It left a lot of scars and a lot of pain.

When I went to college: I was so happy to be out of the house that I didn't even walk my family back out of my dorm. I said bye from my room, shut the door, and started dancing (something we weren't allowed to do in my house). 

As an 18 year old girl, I had no idea how to cope with things. I didn't know what it meant to truly be loved. I was sent into the world on my own - broken and never feeling like I was good enough for anything or anyone. The God I knew was my parents' god, not mine. I didn't have my own relationship with him. Sure, I could sing the worship songs, I could pray the prayers but God was not personal to me.

I ended up falling in love with a boy. Me. The broken girl who wouldn't know what real love was if it bit her in the butt managed to love someone who said they loved her in return. Long story short things didn't work out. Abruptly he said "I don't love you anymore" and that was it. We managed to be friends after a while but had a harsh friendship and as other's put it we were "mean to each other" which we were.

After the break up I just couldn't deal with things any more. I felt unwanted and useless. I didn't have a relationship with my family. I didn't have friends I could truly be open with. I felt isolated and alone with no where to turn.

With abuse, regardless of what kind or who the abuser was, the things that are done, said, and taught to you gets so ingrained in you that it's incredibly hard to break away from those chains that bind you. I still, at 29, struggle with some of these chains even though I am wholly and completely loved by a wonderful man and have a relationship with Christ. 

At the time I had a little red clown car :) (I loved that car!) It was a red 1988 Toyota Corolla FX 2 door, 5 speed, hatchback. A little box on wheels.

In my depression and desire to be done with life, and me in general, I went out driving. (I lived in a tiny town with lots of farm land and dirt roads.) I took that little box on wheels and drove extremely fast on the dirt roads weaving in and out of the ditches. I was crying and screaming for it to just Flip over and Crash Already! That's all I wanted. I wanted this car, that SHOULD HAVE easily flipped over, to do just that so I could crash and be done with everything. Done with all the pain. Done with hurtful people. Done with being abused. Done with not being good enough.

Obviously, the car did not flip over and I did not die. (lol)

After some time I went back to my dorm room. I was angry (anger is another post for another day) I hated myself because I couldn't do something more serious to end things. I was angry at my car for not flipping over and crashing. I was angry at god for not being what I needed him to be all these years. I hated him. I told him I hated him. I yelled at him. I wrote him hate letters. I wanted him to just leave me alone and let me die.

In desperation I found my Bible. In a last ditch "save my life" moment. I said to God, "You better show me something or I'm done with you forever!" and I threw my Bible on my bed. It fell open and this is what I read:

Psalm 116: 1-12

1 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. 

2 Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

3 The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow. 

4 Then I called on the name of the LORD: "O LORD, save me!" 

5 The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. 

6 The LORD protects the simple hearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. 

7 Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. 

8 For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, 

9that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living. 

10 I believed; therefore I said, "I am greatly afflicted." 

11 And in my dismay I said, "All men are liars." 

In my time of need I read: I hear you my sweet girl! He saw me being "entangled in the cords of death" aka my suicide attempt. He heard me call Him out, telling Him I needed Him to show me something. He was protecting me from myself and telling me to rely on him and have rest. And then gave me a giggle with "all men are liars" because that is exactly how I felt about the boy that broke up with me and about many other men in my life at the time.

All I could do was cry. And I prayed. I prayed, speaking directly with God for the first time in a very long time. God wanted me! ME! The one that no one ever wanted. The one that was never enough. The one that had so much anger that no one wanted to be around.

Don't get me wrong. This didn't mean I wouldn't battle with depression. It didn't mean I wasn't angry anymore. (Honestly, I still struggle with depression and anger) It didn't mean that life was going to be smooth sailing.

What it did mean was that I wasn't alone! I didn't have to feel useless and unwanted. Because God wanted me! He wanted me enough to come down to me in my time of complete brokenness. And show me that He was MY God, not just my parents' god but mine. And He wanted me. This broken mess. This shattered, battered, and torn little girl he wrapped in His loving and warm arms.

I still had a lot of troubles. I still had more issues later down the road, but it wasn't to where I wanted to end my life because I knew, that even though I felt like no one else wanted me God did. And he always had I just couldn't see it.

If you are in that place of desperation today, know that you are not alone!

Don't feel ashamed that you need/want help. 

There are people you can talk to anonymously if you want to.

 1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Many pastors will counsel or know someone who can.

You can send me a message if you want.

But know that you are not alone and you are wanted. YOU are Valuable. You are LOVED! There is a reason you are on this earth. There is purpose in your life!

I pray each of you find peace.

It is not an easy road. It is not a fun one either. But you can make it.

YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!