October Awareness month?? Infant loss and Miscarriage --My story

It seems that October is the month of awareness for multiple things.
Here are a some that affect me directly. I'll write about most of them this month.

- Down syndrome awareness month
- Dwarfism Awareness Month
- National Domestic Violence Awareness Month
- National Breast Cancer Awareness Month
- National Bullying Prevention Month
- National infant loss and miscarriage awareness month

These are all important to me, but the last one is very near and dear to me. You see, before I got pregnant with my older son I miscarried twice. Between my two boys I miscarried four more times.
But if it weren't for God and His healing touch I wouldn't have either on of my boys.
Before we got pregnant with our oldest we were going to a church, where we had a few close friends.
One of which is a strong God-seeking, God-fearing, fireball of a woman.
During one service, I was sitting with some kids, and had one on my lap during all the praising and prayer. My friend came over and placed her hand on my stomach and began to pray for the healing so that I could bring a child into this world.

You know how you hear stories about healing and people say they felt a warm sensation? That was me. My womb was being healed in that very moment. Not long after that I was pregnant with my son. Had a good pregnancy and brought a healthy beautiful little baby into the world.

Did I lose more babies after this? Yes.
Does that take away the healing God gave me? NO!

I know what happened that day. I know God, the Great Physician, came down to me and touched me.
The last miscarriage I had was probably the most difficult. I was working as a cashier at a grocery store and had opened that day. I was the only person there, with the exception of the customer service person/bookkeeper, and the manager (in the front). Things were going along normally until I lifted my arms over my head to stretch. I felt a pop in my abdomen and a gush of blood. I had the office person come out and cover for me. I had to go buy pads and then went to the bathroom.

I couldn't even cry about it yet. But the miscarriage had begun. I stayed at work, we needed the money, and worked my shift through the pain, through the cramps/contractions and when my shift was over I went home. Late that night I got up from bed and went to the bathroom, where not one but two little precious babes came out in a mass of blood and pain (tmi? sorry lol)

I was heartbroken. I, again, couldn't bring my babies into this world. Unless, you've been through it, you can't even begin to understand what this does to a woman. To her self esteem, to her heart, to her hormones! (hormones... I could go on forever one that one! lol) It took a very long time for me to heal from this one.

After that one I didn't get pregnant at all. Not until our surprise years later.

It was my birthday in 2013 when I took the pregnancy test at home. It was positive! We hadn't planned on having any more children. But here was another one!

When I found out, I had prayed over the baby and had a vision... It was Christ smiling down at me with a twinkle in his eye and He said with a giggle, "My child, not YOUR plan but MINE". And I had peace about everything.

This pregnancy was a bit more difficult that the first one. I got very large with my first pregnancy, but this one I was HUGE! At 3 months I was in a wedding for my best friend, and was continually asked if I was going to have the baby at the wedding. I thought about faking my water breaking, but decided to be nice. :) Due to some health issues, I was not able to have an epidural. If any of you have had to have an unplanned natural, induced, birth... it's a whole other ball game! LOL
But after many hours I brought a very big baby boy into the world.

One thing that gives me peace about the babies I lost, is knowing that they are my angels and they're waiting for me in Heaven.

In the Bible it says that God has our mansions built for us.. which is good because I am going to need all those rooms! LOL

If you know someone that has lost a baby. There isn't really much you can say that will help.
However, there is plenty NOT to say.
Please do not say any of the following:- Well, you can try again. --- it was a BABY not a messed up art project! Have some compassion!
- Maybe there was something wrong with it, you're better off. --- regardless if there was something wrong with the baby, it was still our baby. We still wanted it!
- How do you know you were even pregnant? --- Just because I didn't make a formal announcement doesn't mean my child wasn't there!
- Are you sure you weren't just having a period? --- Yes. I'm sure. And I will never be able to have another period in my entire life without thinking about the losses. Every time there is a small clot, you're reminded of that mass that came out. And yes it breaks your heart every single time! Sometimes you cry. Not because of the cramps, but because of the memories. The "what ifs" or "if onlys".

When you lose a child in the early weeks the doctors call it a "spontaneous abortion". Do you know how much I HATE that two-word phrase?? To me an abortion is a choice made. I didn't CHOSE for my babies to leave my body! Many times I would cry and just tell them, I do want you! I did want you! It wasn't an abortion!!

Miscarriages hurt. You will always have reminders of it. There will be days, nights, events that bring you back to that/those baby/babies. Always.

I rest in peace, knowing that one day I will be whole again, with ALL of my children.
I will FINALLY be able to hold them. I will FINALLY be able to kiss their cheeks. I will FINALLY get to see them, as whole beautiful beings.

To you reading this that has been there. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

To all my babies: Mommy loves you!